I am 15 and I struggle with Self Harm
Heya readers, this is the story I wrote about me (All names were changed)
Olivia quietly opened the knife drawer and picked out a stainless steel sharp bladed knife then put it in the pocket of her hoodie and started to walk to the bathroom thinking to herself am I really going to do this? Will anyone care? What will they do if they found out!? No, she thought that’s not going to happen. A thousand more thoughts streamed though her head as she closed and locked the bath room door
Part one: Pain
Olivia looked down at the bloody mess on her wrists and the sink, what have I done? She thought as she was thinking she heard a knock on the door “Olivia! Please hurry up I need to pee!” Olivia’s little sister said, Olivia felt her heart thumping “Just a minuet Ashely” she said as calmly as she could then, she quickly washed the sink, knife and her wrists then hid the knife and pulled down her sleeves and opened the door putting on a fake smile. “Sorry” Ashely ran in and closed the door
Olivia then headed up stairs to her shared room and closed the door finding her French bulldog was sleeping on her bed she smiled at her puppy then she looked at the long mirror on the wall and looked at herself in disgust then turned away sitting on the bed your never going to be loved a voice in her head said as she sighed and finally gave in “I know” she wisped looking down at her wrists “why did I do this?” she said out loud but in a quiet voice she felt something she had never felt before. Loneliness. So. So. Alone.
She walked towards her mum and dad’s bathroom and grabbed a bottle of Advil and took 8 pills then took a glass of water and swallowed them all as she felt another urge to cut herself and tried to resist it. no, I am not going to do it again she told herself leave me alone! Finally, she gave up and headed to the bath room for yet another round of cutting. She was about to start the she thought to herself I forgot the ice. I need it. She quickly hid the knife yet again and ran to the kitchen and grabbed some ice cubes and took them to the bathroom, locking the door then grabbing the knife.
Gently she placed the ice cube on her wrists and waited for her blood to “freeze” in a way then she took the knife with a trembling hand and started first lightly slicing her wrists but they became deeper and deeper until she finally stopped and looked at her latest art why do I keep doing this? Will anyone help me? No. I don’t need anyone. she washed the sink and tried to stop the blood that was pouring from her arms. Once the blood stopped, she sat on the floor and started to sob silently for she did not want anyone to suspect anything.
“Olivia its time to go to world vision” her dad said as he knocked on the door “Ok” she said trying to make her voice normal “Just putting on my makeup” she stood quickly and wiped her face quickly and put some mascara on then opened the door and walked to the kitchen and put the knife back then got her purse and sat in the car as her father got in and started to drive her and her other sister Katie
Once they got there Olivia and Katie got out and their father left them Katie ran to find her friends and Olivia started to walk towards there choir meeting, she saw Ray and tried to smile “Hey Ray” Ray was a 28-year-old American woman who was also her choir director “Hey! How are you?” Ray said Olivia tried to smile “I’m ….” She stumbled for words then she pulled Ray out of the room outside, so they were alone “what’s wrong?” Ray asked concern across her face “Ray. What I’m about to tell you, you can’t tell anyone about ok?”
Ray looked at Olivia “If you are in danger I must tell” Olivia did not want to tell her but she was desperate for someone to know so she sighed and pulled up her sleeves reveling her cut up wrists and Ray looked at her sadly “Oh sweetie” Olivia looked at them and started to cry as ray pulled her into a hug “I’m so sorry Olivia” Olivia cried on rays shoulder and then looked at her “You can’t..” she took a sharp breath “Tell anyone” Ray looked into Olivia’s teary eyes and wiped her tears away. “Unless you do I must ok?” Olivia nodded “I’ll tell them” she lied “I’m sorry I showed you I shouldn’t have” Ray smiled a sad smile “No I am glad you trusted me. Come on let’s go start choir” Olivia nodded, and they walked back in and started choir.
When she was sitting in church she was siting beside Ray when she felt her stomach jump and felt that she was going to puke. Quickly she stood up and try to walk to the door without looking like she was sick but once she was out the door she sprinted to the toilets and she saw Ray look at her as she ran. Then she puked. Constantly. Once she was done, she wiped up the mess and walked upstairs and quietly opened the door and walked in and sat down beside Ray, Ray looked at Olivia concerned and wisped “You ok?” Olivia fake smiled “Yes I’m fine” Ray looked worried but looked back at the preacher. that was the pills she thought its always the pills! Why do I do these stupid things!?
After church Olivia got Katie and they waited till there father finally arrived then sat in the car “So how was it today?” her father asked looking back at her “It was good” she lied and looked out the window on there way home telling herself not to cut again at least not tonight she said to herself as they walked into the house. Olivia walked to a room where she knew she would be alone. then she cried then thought to herself what if I tell my therapist? No. she would tell mum and dad… Yes, I want her to know! No, you don’t! she felt like her brain was a war zone and looked at the time 6:45. hmm 15 more minuets till the call. What should I do? She wiped her tears and made sure she looked ok then walked upstairs and picked up her guitar and started to play. 15 Minuets later she got onto Skype and called Rachel her therapist “Hey Olivia” Rachel said smiling “How are you doing this week?” Olivia smiled a fake smile “I’m Good” a bit later on she broke down, “I have been doing things that are stupid.” Rachel looked at Olivia concerned “Like what?” Olivia took her phone and took a picture of her wrists then sent it to her “Oh Olivia” she said sadly. Olivia looked down feeling guilty trying not to cry. “do you know why you did it?” Rachel said looking at her Olivia looked at Her and sighed “No. well yes. Its confusing” she told her story to Rachel and said “I am never going to do it again” Rachel nodded “good. Can I trust you?” Olivia nodded and Rachel smiled “well our times up. I have another meeting now. Bye Olivia.” Olivia smiled “Bye” Olivia headed to her room and ley on her bed looking at her posters wondering if the stars ever when’d though things like what she was going thru, she sighed and looked at her wrists for the 1000th time today and trailed the cuts with her finger even though it hurt she numbed it out should I at least tell Katie? Or my Catherine her oldest sister in Canada… no you must not tell anyone. They would just get mad at you. another voice said Oh I don’t know how do deal with this. “I feel like gullem” she said out louder smiling as Ashely walked in taking Olivia out of her thoughts “Olivia?” Olivia sat up and put her wrists behind her “Yes?” Ashely grabbed a book off her shelf “Dad told me to tell you its dinner time” Olivia pulled down her sleeves “Ok I’ll be down in a minuet” Ashely nodded and walked down the stairs to the dinning room. Olivia followed and sat at the table as dad said “Ok. Now that everyone is here let’s have out moment of silence” there was a Pause why does he do this. it is stupid Olivia though to herself as she stayed silent “Now” her father said, “Katie can you pray?” she nodded then prayed “Dear god. Thank you for this day. And thank you for this food. Amen” then we all said “Amen” and started eating. After Olivia was finished, she put her plate on the counter and went to the bathroom knowing what she was going to do. but she had only forced herself to do it once before. She went to the bathroom and shut the door thinking I am really starting to hate this bathroom. As She leaned down near the toilet seat and punched herself in the gut constantly getting herself to puke when that did not work, she stuck her finger at the back of her mouth and pushed hard making herself vomit everything she ate. Later she cleaned all the mess and left the bathroom thinking You deserve this Olivia, no one will every stay with you. Your family hates you and you know it. She thought for a moment and sighed pushing those though out of her head
“Goodnight Olivia” her mother said as she pretended to be asleep, when her mother left, she rolled over and prayed “Hey um god. I know I have not talked to you in a long time, but I need you… Please help me” after that she keep thinking and went to sleep with a war in her head “help me” then she fell into a deep sleep.
The next morning Olivia rolled over and checked the time, 7:00 am she groaned and got out of bed then tried not to yelp as her sore, bare wrists rubbed on the blanket. She got out of bed and then she walked downstairs as her French bulldog followed. Olivia walked into the kitchen and pored herself some cereal then ate quietly, thinking to herself I do the same thing every day and I do nothing at the same time…. How can I help myself without anyone else knowing? After eating she read one of her many Agatha Christy books then looked up from her book as her father walked in “hey dad” He smiled at her “Hey. can you get everyone up?” Olivia smiled and checked the time again Yikes! Almost 9:30 I must go soon! She ran and woke up everyone as she got ready for her friend to pick her up for a program
“Hey Olivia” Emma said as she got out of her car and gave Olivia a hug “Hi” Olivia got in the front seat and Emma got back in the car “So How are you?” Emma looked over at Olivia and smiled “I’m good.” She said without meaning it, but she thought to herself I am Not telling her! Emma started to drive, and Olivia looked out of the window but what if I did tell her? What would she do? One voice in her head told her No. said the other voice don’t trust anyone. they will all lie to you. But what if she didn’t? And so it continued that way all the way till they got to the house where the day camp for toddlers was then she got out of the car and walked inside putting on a smile to please everyone “Hello” Olivia said as she walked in with a smile the mums all smiled back “Hey Olivia” one mum named ava said as she played with her one and a half year old
“Hello” Olivia said as she walked in with a smile the mums all smiled back “Hey Olivia” one mum named ava said as she played with her one and a half year old
“Hi” Olivia said smiling at the baby her name was Sofia. then she took off her jacket and walked towards them “So. How are you Ava?” she looked up at Ava, and ava smiled “I’m good. You?” Olivia hesitated for a moment then smiled and said “Yes. I’m good” Ava smiled looking at Sofia “Good”
Olivia walked to the sink and drank so water then turned around and looked down at her covered wrists as Lexi a two year old tugged on her sleeve she put on a smile to cover her grimes and gently pulled her arm away “Can you read me a story?” Lexi looked up at Olivia hopefully “Sure” Lexi smiled as Olivia put down her water and walked over to a couch and started to read Peter rabbit
Olivia finished the story and stood up then she looked down at her wrists and saw there was a trail of blood dripping down her hand, so she quickly walked to the bath room and pulled up her sleeves shit. No. this can’t happen here! I’ve got to get a band aid… she wiped the blood out of the sink and walked into the main room smiling and walking up to Lexi’s mum “Hey Torey. Um. Could I have a band aid?” Olivia’s face turned a bit red, looked up at Torey and Torey looked down with concern evident on her face “What happened?” Olivia stammered “I just need one please…. I’ll tell you …. But upstairs ok?” Torey nodded and headed upstairs with Olivia following close behind her. Olivia began “You see… I have been doing some stupid things lately…. And Um.” She showed her wrists and looked down “Hmm” Torey looked down at Olivia and gave her a side hug as Olivia pulled her sleeves back down “is there anything I can do?” Torey said as she handed Olivia a band aid. “no. Just don’t say anything to anyone… Please” Torey sighed and started to walk downstairs “Come on lets go join the others for some singing”
Later back at home Olivia read for a bit till her mum came home and told her she wanted to talk to her Olivia immediately became defensive. She knows! Olivia thought “what do you want?” she said glaring at her mum as her mum sighed and looked into her eyes “Show me your wrists.” Olivia felt her heart starting to Race “No” she said plainly “Who told you!?…. Was it Rachel? or Emma? Or Torey!?” Her mum Looked at her with sad eyes “Were going to have to go see Ingrid” Olivia’s eyes widened “No. I hate that place”
So Olivia was walking with her mum to the Train station and feeling grumpy the only reason why she was coming was because her mum told her that she would get her ice-cream “I don’t need to see her” Olivia grumbled to herself her mum looked over at her as they got there tickets “Yes you do We need her to see them so she can say if there infected or not” they walked on the train and Olivia gave her mum the silent treatment looking out the window with out looking at her mum Once. Once they got off the train, they walked to the Pediatricians office and sat in the waiting room till she walked out and smiled “Hey Olivia! Its good to see you again” Olivia glared at Her and said “sure” she said getting up leaving her mum and walked in to the office and sat herself into a chair, as Ingrid walked in “So your mom told me you have been self harming yourself” Olivia glared and tried to be as tuff as possible “So what” Ingrid sighed and took a seat across from Olivia “Pull up your sleeves” Reluctantly Olivia did and Ingrid put on gloves and started to look over all the slashes she had done “when did you start doing this?” Olivia shrugged “A few weeks ago I guess” Ingrid pursed her lips and Olivia looked at the floor “Well the good news is You did not cut to deep to let yourself bleed to death. But You do need to stop. And You will have to, or we will have to retain you” Olivia said nothing, but she had a war screaming inside her head saying things like Retain me! Like in the hospital? Hell no! that’s not happening. “ok.” Olivia said as she pulled her sleeves back down “I’ll try not to” Ingrid nodded “good. can you promise that?” Olivia gave a hesitant nod and looked at Her “Yes I’ll try”
After that chat Olivia went with her mum to get some frozen yogurt and they sat and ate “so.” Her mum said as she ate her yogurt “How are you going to not do it again?” Olivia looked up from her food and sighed “I don’t know. I’ll distract myself from doing it… Like maybe I’ll go play my guitar” Her mum finished her yogurt and nodded “Ok that sounds good. Me and your father just want to help you, And We can’t if You don’t tell us these things” Olivia gave a small nod and stood as they walked home.
Later that night Olivia was siting in her room Reading One of her favored Torey Hayden books then her dad walked in and closed the door “You can’t back talk and do things like this anymore Olivia Your getting to old for that” Olivia looked up from her book and sighed “So.” She said keeping her face emotionless “I’m saying me and your mother love you so much and we would hate to lose you” Olivia rolled her eyes and looked down at her book then she saw her backpack in the corner of the room as her dad was talking she made up her mind to run away.
Once her dad left she grabbed her bag and stuffed in two books and a few toiletries and clothes then slowly walked downstairs putting her bag down in a closet and grabbing a metro ticket and stuffing it into her hoodie pocket “I can do this” she muttered to herself as she closed the backdoor quietly and walked into the cool night air Olivia felt a sense of relief and terror what am I doing!? Said one voice No You can’t turn back She ran and ran all the way to the Skytrain then Jumped aborted then sat and Tried to calm her breathing there was only 3 people in the car Olivia was siting in she slowly looked around good she thought everyone’s busy with other things
Olivia got off at a station she new well and walked quickly to the friends house and knocked on the door praying that they would let her in. the door opened and a woman named Janet looked out at Olivia “Hi, How are you” concern was clear in her eyes and Olivia walked in as Janet closed the door and looked at Olivia “Your dad thought you might come here” Olivia kept her face emotionless as she started to panic “Did he?” Janet Nodded and smiled, raping her arm around Olivia’s shoulder guiding Her to the living room No, no, no! dad Knew I was coming here!? I have to get out before he comes… she thought to herself as she sat down “Do you want to stay here the night?” Olivia nodded and looked at her feet “I’m sorry for this” Olivia wisped Janet came over to Olivia and Hugged her “It’s ok. Were here for you”
Later that night Olivia was laying on the spare bed thinking about that day god. I have really messed up. Why do I do all these things? How can I stop being so anxious and depressed? Whatever she thought who cares. I don’t need them Olivia turned over and sighed putting on her headphones and Playing some music then slowly falling into a much needed deep sleep
The next morning Olivia got up and ate breakfast with the others silently and looked out a window looking out upon the city. “So.” Olivia said, “When am I supposed go home?” she asked anxiously Janet looked up from here food “In a little bit, we will go about 11ish. Is that Ok?” Olivia thought for a moment, “Um sure, that’s fine.” she Lied. They finished breakfast and She packed her little backpack and Headed to the door “I’m Ready!” Olivia called “coming” Janet said as she walked down the hall towards her opining the door and walking to the car
At home Olivia Ley on her bed and thought to herself what if I just Overdose…. I would be dead and go to heaven…. It would put me out of this world, and everything would be ok then… but what would Torey think? Would she care? Stop it! They don’t care about you! Just do it. Olivia cried silently “Why” she whispered Quietly do it. A voice said “ok.”
Olivia got out of bed and walked to the bathroom silently she glanced at her clock 1 In the morning already!? Just get all the pills you can find Olivia. She went to the meds cabinet and took a bunch of random pills some that she did know what they were. Then she Poured them all onto a towel and started to swallow them what Am I doing? After swallowing all these I must make some letters…. Once she finally finished, she quickly wrote some handwritten letters to her family and Torey then She sent a quick email to Torey saying ‘I’m so sorry for what I’m going to do.’ Finally, Olivia fell asleep and woke up a hour later and vomited Just die already. She said to herself as she dragged herself back into bed
The next morning Olivia woke up and the first thing she thought was shit. I’m not dead. She pulled herself upwards and gasped in pain clutching her stomach “Oww” she groaned and walked to the bathroom then leaned over and she vomited again. After she wiped herself up and looked at herself in the mirror Is this my fault? Am I one to blame? Yes. This was you. Your worth nothing. She looked away and sighed walking out to living room then laying on the couch, just as her dad walked in “Call Ingrid” she said throw the pillow her face was burred in “why?” her father said “guess.” Olivia looked back over then explained what she had done.
“The hospital!?” Olivia cried “No I’m not going. I’m fine.” Olivia’s heart rate was rising “You just told me you ate pills. If that’s true it means your not ok.” Her father said sternly to her then he looked at her “Go get your bags packed and be ready in ten minuets.” Olivia stayed were she was for a few minuets then finally she got up and packed a bag of things she would need. “Mom? Can I call Torey?” she said as she brought her bags down for her father, her mother turned to her and handed Olivia her phone “Here.” Olivia grabbed the phone and called Torey’s number “Hello?” Olivia said “Haya” Torey said from the other end, Olivia started to cry “I wasn’t meant to survive!” she cried. Torey’s voice was clearly concerned “I know love, But I’m glad You did. What would I tell my children?” the call went on for a long wile then finally ended, and Olivia wiped her tears away bringing the phone back to her mother and then getting in the car with her dad and sitting silently.
Once they were at the hospital, Olivia was taken for a bunch of different tests. On the table Olivia felt like a lab rat and she was very scared though she tried not to show it. Why am I here? I don’t belong with these freaks… I’m not a psycho. After the test she was taken to a room that had about 4 other teens they were all girls and they all looked blank faced. Olivia shuttered I don’t want to stay here. She thought to herself as she unpacked her things.
The next few days were a blur for Olivia. She went from tests to IVs and long sleepless nights, after a few days Her doctor told them they could go home. Olivia sighed in relief she had enough hospitals for the rest of her life. She packed her backpack and though of what it would be like to eat real food and sleep on her bed. She smiled thinking of that as she walked out the doors of the hospital and hoped into her car.
A few days after settling in at home Olivia was sitting in her room alone thinking Torey’s leavening in a few days. I can’t live with out her. She’s leavening like everyone else… Olivia started to cry and held the giant bear she got from Torey for her birthday. “I can’t…live” she said out loud to herself and to the bear she started to sob uncontrollably, then she remembered that she was seeing Torey the next day for Lexi’s birthday, she wiped her tears and pulled out her computer and watched ‘Merlin’ a show Torey had shown her. After watching a few episodes Olivia fell asleep with the laptop on her bed.
The next morning, she was picked up by Torey and they went to Torey’s house. Once they got there Olivia and Torey had one of there normal couching chats then they both got everything ready for the party and People started arriving First Emma came and Lexi was so Pleased to see her, and she kept bragging that she was now a big girl because she was three. People kept arriving and soon Olivia felt Overwhelmed by all the people. Though, she knew some of the them most of them she did not know and that usually freaked her out. At one point she had a panic attack. She started gasping for air so she ran upstairs to the bathroom and she stayed there for some time till she calmed down and could breath again.
After she walked out of the bathroom and she saw Torey walking and looking for her “You ok?” Olivia tried to nod but Torey saw tears start to fill her eyes “Oh lovely” she pulled Olivia into a hug and held her for a few minuets “I’m sorry” Olivia stammered Torey shook her head “No, Its fine love” they hugged in silence for another minuet then Torey kissed Olivia’s Forehead and held her hand “Lets go back to the party” Olivia nodded and whispered “I love you Torey” Torey smiled and squeezed her hand “I love you to lovely.” They walked down the stairs and Olivia tried to enjoy the rest of the party
After the party Olivia felt a huge sadness Come over her, she was consumed in all the pain she felt and the sadness she had bottled up inside herself towards Torey and her family leavening “Torey?” Olivia tapped Torey’s shoulder “Can we talk upstairs for 2 minuets?” Torey turned around from the person she was talking too “Can it wait a few minuets?” Olivia’s brain screamed NO! It needs to be now! You must know How I feel before I do something stupid!
Olivia gave a shaky nod and started to walk up the stairs Torey looked concerned and walked up “what you want to say is important to get out, I can tell by your face.” They walked into a bedroom then Olivia sat on the bed and Torey sat beside her “what do you need?” Olivia felt tears come “You can’t…… leave me” Torey understood Olivia’s Attitude now and gave her a side hug as Olivia started to sob “I’m sorry” she whispered between sobs “I can’t live here with out you Torey… you made me feel loved… when everyone else can’t’’ Oliva fell into Torey and Torey hugged her and kissed her “I know I can’t change the fact that were leaveing but I know you will seen me again” Olivia stayed there in that spot for some time and Cried on Torey’s shoulder. then the doorbell rang and Olivia knew it was her father “Wait here” said Torey as she got up and walked down stairs, Once Torey left the room Olivia quickly wiped her tears and got up then she walked to the bathroom and quickly washed her face leavening no trace that she had cried. Then she walked down the stairs looking like nothing had happened and she smiled at Torey “so Um where is the puzzle you were going to give to me?” Torey looked at Olivia sadly knowing that what Olivia had on was a mask “Its on the table in the living room” Olivia nodded and walked to go get it. Then Olivia gave Torey a quick hug and she left with her father back home.
At home Olivia ran to her room and threw herself onto her chair and started to cry then she remembered I can cut…. Yes… it’s the only way I can Keep going…I don’t car what they think or say… I’m doing this. Olivia went to her bookcase and took one of the books out reveling a little bag full of Razors Olivia found they hurt a lot less then the knife she had used before. She looked at the Razors and took one out of the little bag, then she slid it across her left wrist leavening a trail of blood she felt a bit of pain, but it soon felt numb. she smiled and thought to herself how deep can I cut? Will it hurt more or less? Better find out. She took a deep breath and cut again but this time much deeper, Olivia gasped at what she had done “wow…” she breathed and did it again till both her arms were coved with deep red Bloody cuts.
That night she wore a plaid to bed, and she was in Quight a bit of pain. The next morning, she got up and yelped but luckily her sisters were all away at a sleep over she slowly dragged herself out of bed and glanced at herself in the window “Ugh.” She groaned “I look like a witch…” she looked at her wrists and sighed “You know you have to tell someone.” Annoyed she walked to the bathroom and put on tons of makeup making her look a bit emo, great. I even look Emo. She thought as she applied Eyeliner.
After she had finished, she started writing a story for Torey then One of her mums friends brought over her children “Olivia? Can you watch the kids for about 3 hours?” called her mother, Olivia groaned “Fine” she walked down the stairs and told them they were going to have a Americas got talent here in the house. So, all the children ran to get ready for there performance Infront of her as she read Merlin. One by one they all came to her and Preformed, and Olivia pretended to write down notes and watch but she was just watching the clock behind them on the wall. Once her time was up she walked to her fathers work space and chilled out for a few hours then her father came up to her and said “Olivia One of the children has gotten hurt we need to go see if she needs to go to the hospital” Olivia sighed “Ok, But what did she do?” her father rubbed eyes as he got into there car “She feel down the stairs” she tried to picture it in her mind “Oww that would hurt a lot.” They drove home and immediately Olivia felt stressed the baby was screaming and so was the child named Mia, she was dripping blood everywhere and it had gone all the way down the stairs into the bathroom and thought the hall.
Olivia shuttered at the sight and a little voice said inside of her blood… ohhh lets cut. Your stressed. I’m going to make it worse, so you have to cut and relive all the stress and pain. “No. stop.” She whispered as she walked upstairs and took her razors out yes… do it. Just. one. Little. Deep. Cut. She held her breath and pushed the blade into her skin ripping it open as blood started to drip from her arm, she felt a strange sense of relief. She crumpled into a chair and started to cry as she got a Band aid out of her little aid kit. She placed the band Aid onto her cut and sighed, wiping her tears away.
A bit later she called Torey “Heya what’s up?” Torey’s voice rang over the speak. Olivia felt a relief when she heard Torey’s Voice “Heya. I’m sorry I’m calling at this hour… But I just got home, and Mia just gashed her head against the stairs… and her blood is everywhere, and I just cut again… I’m sorry.” She started to cry “I’m sorry love. But I don’t know how to help You right now.” Torey said. Olivia stammered “I know… I know But I needed to h- hear your voice” Torey sighed “Ok, your going to be ok. Trust me. Do your parents know you cut?” Olivia debated lying “no” she said plainly “I only did it a tiny bit… Please don’t tell” Torey sighed again “Ok. But Olivia? Your going to be ok. I have to go now.” She waited a moment “ok.” Olivia said “I love you” Torey replied “I do to. Bye.” Olivia cut off the phone and wiped her tears away and went back to reading Merlin.
my story is not over. I know that now. I am still fighting against My dementors and Cutting.
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