I am 18 and I survived Suicide
April, the month that I dread to even think about. The month, that I was ready…. Ready to give up… Ready to quit trying…. Reading to never see anyone ever again. Ready to just give up my fight. Laying in a hospital bed, having iv fluids pumped into my body. To push out all the overdosed medication out of my body. Having family by my side even wondering if I'm going to make it. They see me struggle to even hold anything together. Barely able to move. Being hooked up to heart machines, to a pulse machine. Having my blood took, to see exactly what's in my system and how to make sure they can keep me alive. The fights, the relapses, the anxiety attacks. I don't want to believe it. I want to die, i want out, i want to die, i want out, i want to die. Is all that is running through my head. Putting a smile on my face when I come to school so people think oh "nothings wrong". When on the inside im a big black ball of hate. I am fat, i am ugly, i am worthless, im dumb, i have no friends, my family hates me. This all ran through my head every single day. But everyone at school what did they see? A smiling, funny joking girl. You really think that im "happy"? Why won't anyone ask are you ok? Maybe all i needed was a friend, someone to tell me hey!, we are in this together. The only way out….. Was to die……. how long does it take to get there…. after days and days of trying. I was tired of feeling like this, i was tired of always dreading going to school, dreading going to work, dreading everything, dreading to drive, half the time i couldn't even pull myself out of my bed. I wanted to die. Why isn't it easy? why cant it just happen? screaming, cutting i've tried it all? why wont it just happen. But it won't i finally put myself in a mental institution because i decided i was tired of feeling this way. i am tired of being so weak, why cant i be happy, why cant i be " good enough" but i never will be. being so depressed that your body is so numb to even move. Not taking showers for 4-5 days not brushing your hair, it being matted, with nots, crum, food, anything you can name, it was in my hair.the scars on my arms don't tell my story, it shows my battle, my quiet battle that no one knew about. no one knew anything no one would miss me when im gone? so why not go….. April the month that I was took to a mental facility…. The month i was told i am worthy…. the month i was told I'm worthy of be able to continue my life. That my STORY ISN'T OVER YET!!!!!!!!!
I was stuck a week in a facility with 15 people boys and girls, hearing their stories. How hard their life is. How half of us are going through the exact same thing struggling with even wanting to live. Bonding with all of these girls/boys. Making friends for a week, that you weren't aloud to talk to when you get out. But i mean these girls/ boys heard your life stories! They're the only ones that even understand you? They seen you crying screaming in the floor wanting to just die, wanting to just end it all. But this isn't it! Giving up is not an option. Everyone on this earth deserves to live. Everyone deserves to have friends, to feel loved. I was at Spring Woods Mental Institution… where my live was re birthed and i was happy with myself, i didn't want to die, i smile, im happy, im alive….. and all in all IM ME AND IM ALIVE!!!!!!!!
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