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My name is Clownmeat, and this is my story

I am 21 and I survived Suicide

I started using drugs at a very young age, weed was my goto, and then I got in with the wrong crowd and started using psychedelics. I used DMT, DOM, 2CB, Ecstasy, MDMA, Molly, and Acid. My parents don't even know the extent in which I've done so many drugs. I've been sober for over a year, and I owe it all, to my now, ex girlfriend. She meant the world to me and we recently broke up. I was devastated. My entire life was changed in just a day. I wanted to relapse but I have a psychosis from those drugs and may become psychotic if I do them. I have Drug Induced Hallucinations Psychosis, which means that I hallucinate even while not on drugs. My hallucinations told me to kill other people, but more importantly, it told me to kill myself. I am human so I know not to kill others, but myself, I didn't value myself. I didn't want to value myself, I thought I was a worthless human being wasting air. I learned that in my depression, I was worthless, which just isn't true, no one is worthless. So I started filling my time with other more productive things, like learning to play guitar, and writing. I then had a night where I was completely done with life. Something in my brain clicked and I said, "I don't want to live anymore." So I drove out to a secluded place and I was going to let my car run over my own head. I wasn't afraid, I wasn't thinking at all. But I chose to do something before I did it. I called the national suicide prevention hotline to give them my last thoughts and they said they were going to send someone out to get me. I was afraid. So I hung up and ran. In my running I realized that I was running away from my problems as well. I went back to the spot I called from and called them again, and I got a different call center. This guy was nice and calm, and I didn't feel like I was wasting his time. I told him I was afraid and he stayed on the phone with me all the way till I got home. He was like an angel. I got home and went to bed, the next day I woke up and I thought to myself,"I don't want to die." I stopped talking about it, when the thoughts would come into my head I would cut them out by playing video games, and playing guitar. It's been a week now, and my life feels so much better. It feels like I was given new hope.

P.S. Clownmeat is my alter-ego. One day I'm going to be as strong as he is.

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