My name is Liza, and this is my story

I am 14 and I struggle with Suicide

So, I've never really shared my story but here it goes. Everyone knows that middle school sucks it was the worst time of my life. I guess it kind of started in 7th grade when I had surgery on a spinal cord tumor and it wrecked me. I still have t and I'm a swimmer but now I am slower after having surgery. When I came back I wasn't as close to my friends as I was before. Then in 8th grade the just stopped trying to connect they wouldn't even talk to me. Know when I seem them together I still want to punch them, I hate them. What kind of cold-hearted monster does that? Then I started thinking that it's my fault, that I am the monster. I never thought I could feel happiness again, sometimes I still feel that way. Like there are grey clouds that just want clear. So, one day I had a bottle of Tylenol in my room and planned to take the whole thing when I got home from school. During math, I even wrote a suicide note. Then the last period of the day came around and it started to feel real so I went to the social worker and told her everything. She was with someone so she sent me to the other one where I just sat and waited for my mom to come. We stopped home and then I went to the emergency room. There was a guard outside my door which made me feel like a freak. I managed to talk them down from inpatient to a partial program. I was there for two weeks when I came back I just told everyone I was sick. I continued with a program after school for a little and regularly see a therapist. One thing I won't forget is my grandma asking me why I wanted to end my life. She didn't and still doesn't understand that I am sick I have severe depression with suicidal thoughts and anxiety. She doesn't understand that this is like a broken bone you can't see, I can't help that's who I feel and what I want but she thinks I can. I will struggle with this forever I have thoughts of killing myself sometimes. I hear about other kids who have killed themselves and I feel weak for having chickened out and gone for help I feel weak that I don't have the courage to kill myself.

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