I am 28 and I struggle with Anxiety
When I was 13 or 14 I wanted my life to end after being sexually abused by a boyfriend. I went to meet him in a cabin that was behind an old barn. I had a reputation because of a guy that I gave handjobs to his cousin earlier that year.
He wanted me to strip for him and when I wouldn’t do it he stripped me and started touching me all over. I was scared so I through on my clothes and left in a hurry on my bike. I fell off my bike but got back on. Once I got home my parents looked at me and asked why I was crying. When I told them what happened they didn’t believe me. So I went down to my room and tried to suffocate my self with pillows. My mom came in right as I was about to pass out she tore the blankets and pillows off of me. She got me breathing normally and into a bath while she sat outside the bathroom door making sure I didn’t try anything else. That night I slept on the couch.
The next day I had school and of course all the kids at my school herd what happened so I got laughed at the minute I got off the bus. So I ran into the girls bathroom and started beating myself up because I was in so much emotional pain that I needed the physical pain. I stayed in the washroom through my home room class then one of the other girls came to get me my nose was bleeding so I was sent to the office until it stopped. Once I was back in class the kids in my class kept starring at me the rest of the day. That night I went home with a note in my agenda from school mentioning the nose bleed. I spent that evening in my room. Things were better for the rest of the week.
The fallowing year things were a bit better. But I was still self injurious do to feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. With it being grade 8 and having to actually change into gym clothes it made things much more difficult having to be in a room full of attractive girls in your unwear while being embarrassed about your own body and being one of the bigger people in the class didn’t make it easy. I started to notice that I was not as interested in dating as my other friends were. I gave up on relationships for the rest of grade 8 and sucked up my pride in gym and let things be the way they were supposed to be or so I was told. My mom was diagnosed with stage 4 Breast cancer. November 2003. She didn’t tell me or my brothers until December right before my birthday. That year we went to Disney it was our Christmas gift to go on a family trip. We were not sure if my mom was going to make it so it was a good but hard trip for me because I knew how serious my moms condition was. When we got back from Florida things got real and my mom went in for surgery and started chemotherapy so that ment I was no longer aloud to have a life of my own and I had to take care of my brothers while trying to do my homework. 14 years old taking care of a 9 and 7 year old while trying to take care of my self while having a learning disability. That ment nights of being awake till midnight to make my lunch and their lunches. Help them with their baths and get them into bed plus have my bath and get myself into bed. With that being said I had an emotional breakdown in the hallway at school. So that made it even harder everyone just thought that I was fine because I kept everything in and to myself. I started cadets at some point in that year so that was something that I enjoyed. I made many new friends got a new boyfriend went to New York City with him. Missed my first day of grade 9. Grade 9 was a good school year nothing bad happened.
Grade 10 came around and things got bad I was accused of sexually asulting a child. By one of my so called friends that’s when my life became a nightmare I wasn’t aloud to go to cadets, speak to any of my other friends and I had to change schools in the middle of the year. Things were hell. I became self abusive once again. I was very angry and I had to go to counseling which made me ev n more angry because I wanted to forget that it ever happened. Speaking to the police and everything. I wanted to be non existent.
But I learned many new skills in grade 10 along with the fact that I loved integrated technology which was a course that I got to build things in the wood shop and I got to do things in computer programs. Grade 11 and 12 I finally got to be on a sports team for school. I let my anger and frustration out while playing rugby. Then I graduated.
College was a crash course at the beginning of my adult independents with lots of sleeping around. I got rapped in April of my first year of college. So that’s where my alcoholism started.
In my second year of college I came out as a lesbian. Which brought its own issues since I was scared of what would happen once I told people. But that’s not it. 2 years later I came out at transgender female to male
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