I am 18 and I survived Depression
I'm 18 years old. I have a 2 year old son. I've been dealing with depression since I was in the 7th grade. Not too long ago did I come clean to my mom, I finally spoke up about how I was actually feeling inside and what has been going on and my memories I've had, that's also how my PTSD started.. I am also a victim of rape. I've held inside so much pain, hurt, sadness. I was so broken and torn between who I was and how I was at the age of 5. I was in denial of so much that happened to me in life that i never wanted to share with anyone. I didn't want to believe anything I went through, I was too young. But I remembered.. 4 years ago I had suicidal thoughts and it kept coming at me and finally it hit me, it took over me and before I new it i was in the hospital vomiting 9 pills back up, 500 milligrams of something I could not even pronounce. I wanted my life to be over, I tried to overdose myself and leave the world thinking it would be better that I'm not here. Secretly I kept a secret, the doctor asked me “Did you try to kill yourself?” crying I replied “no..” Till this day I regret it. Because I let it go on for so long it always haunted me. It was like the devil lurking over me. For so many years I let it take over who I was and who I wanted to be. I kept staying in denial of everything I never wanted to believe that I was so broken and not perfect.. Year after year I kept trying new things, Writing in a journal, Trying to find new things about myself but really couldn’t. I was so alone I knew no one would understand me. There were times I felt like if no one texted me or gave me a call I felt unloved and unwanted.. At the age of 13 everyone had friends and had people to relate to I had no one. I had my journal that I felt I could only express to the only thing that understood me. From then years past journal after journal.. My DCF worker asked me “has anyone ever touched you or did something inappropriate?” I Replied “what do you mean?” and she said “did someone touch you?” and all I could think of was lie or come clean. Knowing I am 17 it’s time to give up and stop fighting this alone and get help cause it just kept eating me up inside. I don’t think I meant to but I just came out with it “YES.” After that incident I made myself a Doctors appointment to my Primary doctor and I remember writing a list of everything I had gone through from flashback of my memory and feeling harmful thoughts to suicide.. She told me this is okay you're going to be okay that her line of work deals with this kind of thing. She asked many questions and I just sat there thinking this is so real! I have PTSD and severe depression. I honestly felt more broken because a doctor told me my diagnose and I never thought it would be true. Days later I get a call from the D.A saying we need you to come in for a interview. That same day I went in for the interview the person who raped me got arrested.. And I didn’t know if to feel bad or feel good that the person that took something from me so young the person that took apart of my childhood the person who gave me trust issues the person to violated me and simply broke me. I didn’t know to still love him, forgive him or anything. Because he was my Grandfather.. Someone whom I trusted someone who watched me someone who loved me did something wrong to me.. The fear I had when I had to pretend that everything was okay, Every Time I saw him my heart dropped. I had to continuously lie to my family that I miss him that I can’t wait to see him, knowingly deep in my heart I wanted him out of my life and for me to never see eye to eye to him ever again. Because of you I go through tough times, I am scared to let my son be alone with anyone other than his own father.. Because of him I deal with this depression, PTSD. Till this day I still struggle with so much in my life from trust to being open to people I care about. Till this day I am fighting this case and I’m making sure things are brought to justice because no one should have to deal with Depression or PTSD or anxiety or anything. I know that I am a fighter and I am going to keep fighting because I know not many of us has a voice because we are too afraid but I am going to do whatever I can to make sure we all have a voice that we all have a say because WE do! Thank you for reading my story.
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