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My name is Khylo Rhoden, and this is my story

I am 41 and I struggle with Suicide


I don't even know where to start. I've been battling depression as long as I can remember. But then I became a single mother of 2. When your a single mother there is no time for emotions. You have to do your best to keep it pushing because your children are depending on you. So that's what i did. I kept my emotions on the back burner as long as I could. I prayed alot and my faith was what got me through. In 2011 my father passed away and I lost my faith. I was so angry at God for ignoring my prayers and allowing me to suffer. But here's the thing. Once you lose your faith you lose hope as well. I didn't understand and I was sick of hearing the cliches. From that point I started actively planning my suicide. I had decided that my only purpose in life was to raise my kids and once I did that I could go. But it didn't work out like that because my kids suffer from depression as well and they would not have survived. I couldn't even die with that on my head. So for now suicide was off the table which sent me into a deep spiral. If I couldn't die and I had no hope for the future what was I going to do but suffer. So that's what I did. I survived blow after blow, hit after hit. Until Feb. of 2016 when my little brother was killed in a horrific car accident. Guess if there is a straw to break the camels back that was it. I couldn't come back. I didn't want to. I went on med leave for a couple of months and I came back feeling ok. Then more hits and more blows. Life was literally bitch slapping me on a daily basis. On December 26, 2016, feeling completely defeated I attempted suicide. I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, ptsd and non-specific bipolar disorder. Again more than I could handle. Anyhow I guess I should wrap this up. Today is a struggle. I try to take it hour by hour but I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just feel so empty and worthless all of the time. Loneliness has been the worst part of it all. I lost a lot of friends because of my mental illness and who is gonna want to date a crazy person. When I came back to work I was slightly demoted. So right now I have no happiness in my life. I have no love. I don't like my job anymore. I have no peace. I have no space. I have no self respect. I hate who I am and who I've become. Some days I'm so angry at the people around me for telling me I'm selfish for wanting to die because don't they know how hard it is for me to live through this misery especially when I'm not even doing it for myself. I'm living in misery everyday because it's what makes everyone else feel better. I've been crying for days now. I see no way out. There is no medicine that can help me.

That's my story...


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