I am 30 and I survived Suicide
I lost my father a little over 3 years ago to suicide and to this day I wonder how I could have let this happened and not prevented.
To start at the beginning: my father had an addiction and mental issues since I was a child. Memories of my father include: throwing our Christmas presents in the snow, kicking all my family members out of the house during my 5th birthday, consistent criticism, and finally physical harm to my mom which led to him to being removed from my home.
My next 10 or so years from adolecense to young teenager; I saw my father almost every weekend through a custody arrangement. To sum up without details, he did not treat me well and went as far to say he didn’t think I was his daughter.
Fast forward to myself in college, our relationship had somewhat improved but he was off. My dad was a bipolar: either the most charismatic, control the room type personality or cold hearted, hit you where it hurts. During college, he finally started to warm to me (probably bc my sister was a junkie at this time). This is when the suicide threats started…
He had said for years, his father committed suicide before he was born and he would never live past 50 himself. He would call crying, drunk and threatening to die. This went on for about 5 years.
Then, Memorial Day I was with a friend and heard wish you were here by Pink Floyd (while high myself – no excuses) My dad was a Floyd’s head. I called him, we talked about getting together for a reunion with my sister, it had been years since us three had connected, but he could not commit a date.
A few weeks later I started to get weird messages from his friends and his aunt that they had not heard from him. Turns out this Time he finally did it. No more, just a clean apartment with one last cigarette butt in a clean ashtray and his body hanging from the ceiling. To this day, we don’t know the day he died or how long it took for him to be found.
I’m here to support the community, share the warning signs and encourage people to act sooner on behalf of their loved ones at risk. I had so many red flags and I did not do enough. My father did better, he deserved to know how much he was loved in this world and the opportunities he had in life. Let’s not stay silent, confront the ones we love at risk, regardless if it makes them uncomfortable. He deserved so much more.
I will add more to my particular story later on, but thank you for this group and I support bringing awareness to this cause
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