I am 17 and I survived Suicide
I started feeling sad in six grade. Everyone told me it was normal because everyone gets sad, but I knew deep down that this wasn’t just an emotion everyone has. I have been diagnosed with an extreme sensitivity trait. I am allergic to nuts and cats and dogs and a lot of different foods and trees and grass. I have asthma which was really hard on me growing up playing sports. People used to call me anoerxic and tell me to eat more. I was always bullied and made fun of in school. I was recently diagnosed with P.O.T.S which basically means i faint a lot and need more salt and water in my blood stream. I grew up hating myself because of how broken and disfunctional I was. l never thought I’d get a boyfriend. l never thought l had good friends or they were too good for me and always ended up moving on. Middle school was hell and l cried all the time. l have never been good at school, l get As and Bs but l have to work very hard and stress a lot. l realized l had anxiety and depression at the same time in sixth grade. l looked at all the girls around me who hung out with boys and talked about partying and had all these friends. l tried to fit in but l knew l was fake. After a while l didn’t feel anything at all. l believe my suicide attempts began in 8th grade and continued through freshman year. l tried to drown myself, take pills and cut my arms. l believed my life wasn’t worth living. l am a burden to my friends and family and l complain all the time. lm “dramatic” and “want attention.” that’s what people say. lve made new friends but most of them don’t understand and l don’t blame them. l fell in love for the first time beginning of sophomore year. He was (still is) the cutest guy I’ve ever seen. He is so sweet and caring and smart and all around amazing. He made me fall hard and fast and we ended up dating for over a year. He broke up with me last Monday. l haven’t stopped crying. l feel like lm going crazy. l know lm annoying him and all l want to do is talk to him. This sucks so bad. On top of that l got a concussion from volleyball a few months ago so my head is already messed up and school is hard and l have so much makeup work and lm so stressed. lm not sure what to do anymore. There are all these people telling me that they’re here for me and love me but it doesn’t make me feel better. l get looks in the hallways and people talk. l really don’t know what to do. lm still struggling. Nothing helps. lm lost and hurting but l won’t give up because if l tried to take my life again l would hurt other people. That’s the last thing l want. l want everyone to be happy even though lm miserable drowning in my own tears. Things that used to cheer me up make me feel empty. lm not sure why lm writing this l don’t like sharing with strangers. l like to vent but l usually did that with my best friend but he broke up with me last week. Yeah l know high school relationships are dumb and not real. He helped me so much though. lve never felt that kind of love. ld still do anything for him. l wish l could go back. lm not sleeping. l cry in class. People keep telling me it’ll get better but how? How do l feel again. l hope no one l know sees this. lm a very devote Christian, l love God and l want to believe that he will pull me out of this. But how can this be his plan. People send me bible verses and l go to church and l love it and l go to younglife and l thought l was getting better but every time l do something happens and l lose myself again. There’s a lot more and l could go on forever but that’s my story. Thanks for letting me vent.
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