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My name is Jillian, and this is my story

I am 21 and I survived Suicide

Let me just start this by saying, you’re not alone and suicide isn’t your only option. During this difficult time, it may seem like there’s no other way out of what you’re going through, trust me there is, and you will get through this. I did.

I do not want to sound egotistical, but I am so happy to still be here today, happy that my suicide attempt was not successful. Okay so let’s back track a little. The first time I self-harmed I was in 8th grade. That lasted a few months, then I grew up, started to figure out who I was as an individual. Fast forward through high school to senior year. I missed more than half my senior year, not because I was sick or couldn’t go; I could not get myself out of bed. I found no motivation, no desire or care to go about getting an education and socializing with people. That sounds typical for a teenage girl, right? Well I would spend days laying in bed, not answering texts, not eating, not talking to my parents, I would withdraw myself from anything and everything possible. Don’t know how I did it but I graduated, decided then I wasn’t going to continue my education, was done with school forever, that’s what I said back then anyways.
Got a full-time job at a bank, got a nice jeep, rescued my dog, had a boyfriend. Life was great, and I was mentally doing well. A year later the job went downhill fast, so did my relationship. I would go into work, have a really difficult time with my co-workers, they treated me like I was an idiot and incapable of doing my job. I needed the money, so I stayed there, I avoided them, ate my lunch in my car, didn’t talk while at work, yet I still was being “bullied”. I would go home miserable from work, didn’t want to see any of my friends or do anything, all I wanted to do was be alone and cry with my dog. Meanwhile my ex would tell me I had to go to the gym and lose weight, he would get upset and make me feel bad if I didn’t work out. He also was degrading and unsupportive towards my choice not to go to school, the job I choose to work at and things of that nature. I couldn’t tell my parents I was miserable at work because I needed to keep that job and I couldn’t ask them to finically support me, while I tried to find another job. Well after months of coming home and crying because I was so miserable I quit. Guessing you can say what happens after that, I became broke, my boyfriend at the time broke up with me and I was still feeling bad about myself just because that job made me feel worthless.
All my friends were away at college, I was not motivated to go to school, just out of a verbally abusive relationship, I became severely depressed. I started to self-harm again, then it became out of my control. My depression got the best of me, nothing was worth living for. I felt worthless, hopeless, alone, I thought every bad thing about myself. That’s when I turned to what I thought at the time was my only option, suicide.
The night of my suicide attempt was a blur, the 7 days at the hospital after were just meetings with therapists, social workers, doctors, one-hour family visits and so much sleeping. The following 8 days after that were spent at an outpatient facility because I couldn’t be alone while my parents were at work for my own safety. I was meeting a therapist weekly for about 3 months, tried multiple antidepressants, reached out to my friends and spent quality time with my parents. I slowly started functioning normally again. I enrolled myself into school, started doing things that I like again, I was trying to get back on my feet.
Now here I am, almost a year after my last suicide attempt, living. I still see my therapist and I still take antidepressants. Yes, I do have some hard days where the thoughts of suicide seem overwhelming. My greatest piece of advice for anyone who is struggling or has struggled with depression is you are not alone; Suicide is not your only option, there are resources out there that will help you overcome this. Taking the first step towards recovery over mental illness is hard but it is worth it.
“be kind to yourself”
You are, loved, strong, intelligent and powerful. XOXO ;

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