I am 25 and I survived Suicide
Not a single day passes by where I'm truly happy since my sister left this world. Some of the other stories here keep me going as I grieve. Those are the ones who truly understand and I really wish there aren't many of you like this because this pain is just unbearable for those left to suffer. People say that you will move on but every night I'm praying that there is a God who can give my sister a true chance of happiness and protect her.
This is my story and the guilt that will never wash away. This feeling that no one knows but me. I am that guy who thought they had everything in world. I never told any one what happened and people just ended up thinking I was a jerk because I couldn't tell them. I hide this pain to myself as I cry every night thinking what I could have done to prevent my sister from choosing the path she chose. It was preventable. For those of you out there. Read the signs and the cries for help from those suffering from mental illness. I sleep every night thinking how could I have missed the obvious.
I was the older brother who never had time for her and thought she was just a brat. I knew that she didn't had many friends and that people found it hard to get along with her but I blamed it all on her and not them. I was not the brother I should have been to her. I was never sensitive and did not consider her feelings. Instead, I told her when she was still here in this world that she is the one that needs to change. The biggest mistake in my life. Never depreciate someone of their self worth. Never make them judge that they are not worthy nor needed.
I should have realized the night she came barging into my room crying that was her cry for me to help her overcome this. Instead, I was busy on my presentation for work and told her to leave. When she asked me, her "embarrassing" older brother, to take her out to eat, I should have realized. When she was actually listening to my advice and complaints about her, I should have realized. When the "past" her was gone, I should have realized. When I haven't seen her smile for a long time, I should have realized. When she didn't come out of room for days, I should have realized. The day she cried and broke down in the middle of the night, I should have realized.
For those of you who may have tempered or troubled siblings, children, or friends, please be patient. Be patient with them and be patient with yourself. Because the day they decide it's over is the day every one had failed them. I will live with that for the rest of my life as I cry over my loss. Every holiday and birthday will forever scar me. While others are smiling and laughing with their family, my family will always try to hide behind our pain as we all know there will always be one person missing from the table. As we all try to pretend we're okay for each other, each of us are slowly drowning in our sorrow.
I hope my honest feelings can help some of you. It took me a long time to decide to register and write this. As said before, please be patient for those who know someone going through mental illness. For those suffering from mental illness, please reach out to someone. You will never realize how big of a network you have and how much someone truly cares about you until you do. Please don't give up and don't assume your love ones will just move on from you. Please don't become the scar in their heart. Please don't become someone's "memory." Please.
If you enjoyed KL’s story, send a bit of encouragement in the comments section below or share this story with others.