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My name is Jenjen989, and this is my story

I am 29 and I struggle with Depression

I was a very happy girl/ woman. I was so energetic and loved life no matter what. I got over any obstacle that came in my way. I was so full of life , I decided I wanted to help my country. I joined the military. I was excited at first.. then months later after "dazing" through basic and all and came back home… a few months later I realized I hit a wall.. it wasn't for me. I started having awful panic attacks and depression and felt crazy. A few years later after that, now, I still battle with depression and anxiety and ptsd from the military ( even though I haven't been deployed or anything like that). I have sought out help and through the military years of struggle to make them help and see how hard it is I finally got someone to understand and start an honorable discharge process… and excused from most events. I sought out help from my hometown providers and psychiatrists and am on a butt load of medicine to get me through this hard time. Bc it's more of an eventful based caused depression and anxiety , the medicine only does so much.
I have an amazing bf going on a year now and talking about marriage soon. I don't want to be planning a marriage with depression and not wanting to do anything. Most days I can get through. Most days I want r lay around and not do a thing and sleep all day. I've felt dizzy, dark, heavy, horrible, lifeless, wanting to cut to at least feel lively pain, although I haven't actually yet… have been using alternate methods like rubber band etc. I'm erring through but it's super hard. It's like I've got it now and forever it will be with me. It's bound to me. Like a bug to a bug zapper. Like a storm to the sea. It's just here. Not going way… it's hard to get through. This is my story. I'm glad to be here.

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