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My name is James McCabe, and this is my story

I am 35 and I struggle with Depression

Hi my name is James and I suffer with anxiety, depression and just got recently diagnosed with PTSD. I was an anxious kid growing up and due to fighting a lot my parents put me into karate which was one of my favourite things. I spent a few years training and grew very close to Paddy my instructor. He died as result of a car crash and I shut down completely. I was only in my early teens and this was the start of death and substance abuse in my life. I am now 35 and since Paddys death I have not trained. About a year later a very good friend of mine Clint was killed in a car crash and I started to spiral deeper and faster. Then my father who was struggling with depression tried to commit suicide. I Got really mixed up in the wrong crowd and getting in a lot of trouble. The only time I felt ok was when I was completely out of my head on what ever I managed to get myself, drugs or alcohol. I hated being in side my own head it was dark lonely and scared me. About 3 years after Clint died I met Jenny who changed my life and is now my wife. We started dating and she got me away from the crowd I was in unfortunately the substance abuse didn’t stop. We got engaged, shortly after this a good friend of mine that I worked with Pat fell in the shower and passed away. In 2003 we got married, we bought a house I started my own business but still was not ok. Aftter starting my business was when the depression really hit and I started to drink a lot more. We decided to start a family and in 2007 Abbie was born. My world changed. She was the cutest little thing I have ever seen and a little ray of light. Unfortunately four months later Abbie passed away in Jenny's and mines arms after getting meningitis. My world crumbled and I feel into an even darker place. Over the next six months I did nothing but drink my company gone due to recession I got a job I lost that job because I was missing days due to drink. Sold our home and ended up living in a mobile home at this point Jenny found out she was pregnant and gave me the choice of drink or our marriage thankfully I chose her. In 2008 Kate was born. At this point i was out of work for 6 months due to the recession. I got to spend loads of time with kate and we build up a huge bond. Eventually i got work. We stayed in the mobile for 4 years and then we were in a position to rent. A couple years later we decided to try for another child and this ended in a miscarriage at 11 weeks. This scared the life out of us again. Thoughts of would we able to have any more children and could we deal with any more loss. Eventually we decided we were ready again and in 2014 Molly was born. I have just started work a few months earlier for a new company which today I am the foreman for. When Kate was 2 my parents who had been married for 26 years told us they were splitting up. Even when things were going ok I would always bring it down. Last year I noticed a real change in my self. I am an animal nut and always preferred there company over people today my cat is my rock along with Jenny. I had a massive amount of animals mainly reptiles and I started selling and giving them away. Then in January 2018 the house we were renting was getting sold and we ended up moving in with my wife's parents so we could save money to buy a house. The next few months were hard. I don’t get on with them I never have. Around Abbies anniversary I really started to fall apart I started to completely withdraw from everyone and thing even my kids . One of these people would be Andy my best friend of 33 years. He was our best man at our wedding and Abbies god father. The reason way I feel is becasue of Andys deterioration due to a nerve disorder in his back. He was walking at our wedding and is now completely wheel chair bound. I didn’t know how to deal with my fellings so decided to run away from them. Jenny asked me to go to the doctors about it and I did and got diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. I am now on medication and going to counselling. My days are getting a little better, some hard, some ok. Still some where I don't want to be here but I keep telling myself they are only days and I have more.
So this is my story.

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  1. I’m so sorry about the losses you have faced in life. They are hard to bare, I’m sure. I am 32, and can’t manage to keep a boyfriend let alone more. One of my main dreams in life is to have a child. I am terrified something like what happened to Abbie will happen to me if I finally do get pregnant. I hope one day you can see the good things you have in life. Despite your complications, you have a family. You have kids that want you there in the future. Especially, those little girls are going to dream about their weddings soon enough and their father/daughter dances. Try to keep the good things on the surface, instead of the background. You guys have lost children, but you have managed to keep going. You have other children to be around for. I have never had substance abuse issues, so I’m sorry I can’t relate much to that. Keep your head up, let your wife and your animals be there for you, but most importantly, try to learn how to be there for yourself. Watch for the symptoms and make others aware if you notice them popping up, so if something does approach you, you can nip it fast. Stay strong James, it sounds like you have a family that is worth living for.

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