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My name is Autumn Chao, and this is my story

I am 17 and I struggle with PTSD

At first, I'm a Chinese,and my English isn't very good. There may be some mistakes in grammar.
I was a student of senior year and needed to fight for the Entrance Examination of College.I was diagnosed with MDD in last November. I needed to take sertraline every day to prevent it became worse. Before this,I had attempted suicide twice. Actually,I didn't believe that I would recover from depression.However, I really became better in March this year.I thought that I could study at that time, but I was wrong.
One of my friends,c.c, he killed himself. At first,we didn't know everything about him, as we were just net pal. However, when we knew that he just gone, we were fell into sorrow and could not help ourselves. At that time, I was so regret that I wanted to end my life to atone for my crime, because I couldn't save him.
"Why was he not me?"I thought it every day.
A friend called Vegetable(I don't know how to translate properly ) always comforted me when I wanted to kill myself. And when he wanted to suicide I helped him too. Nevertheless, in May, we were argued about suicide. Thought we all apologized later, we can't be best friends any more.
Two days before,I was reading a e–book about psychiatry(I love this and I think I need to learn it to help myself). When I saw the words"organophosphorus pesticide", I reminded of him.He used DDV end his life. I couldn't do anything but desperate. I nearly go crazy. Everyone is fine now except me. I'm so sad that I heard the voice from my brain that said" it's all your fault."" You're a killer." I can't escape from this voice. I'm depressed. I just want to kill myself to get quiet. But I know, it's not the best way to solve problems. I dreamed that I drank DDV with him. And I really want to be with him. He must be lonely in the heaven.I wanted to use aspirin and ibuprofen to suicide yesterday, in the end my friend saved me.I decided to go to hospital to get treatment, but today I don't know if I will kill myself. I just need someone's help…

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  1. Chao, You are not alone and you can’t blame yourself for his decision. I also struggle with suicide and depression on a daily basis and staying sober (haven’t drank in 10 years). Everyday when I wake up, I chose how to attack my day and everyday is a challenge. I take the challenge with a positive outlook, knowing that I ‘m better then my challenges. I have worked hard at getting the negative out of my life. Additionally, exercising and having a relationship with God helps tremendously. I know I have the ability to talk to God whenever I want and that is great. Counseling has also helped. You will get through these challenges and it will make you stronger then you ever imagined. You will be in my prayers. Post a comment to let me know if I can help. JP

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