I am 16 and I struggle with Depression
I'm not an native speaker, just in case you wonder.
So, how should I start…it was always difficult to find my place in the world. I always felt different and left out. That my early friends betrayed me one by one and that my mother wasn't able to deal with her depression and locked herself in her room and left me alone for days didn't made it better. In fact I'm suffering now from major trust issues. It always was the same: I gave the person a second chance, I trusted them, the stabbed me in the back. I just couldn't handle it anymore, so I isolated myself from others. But that made daily life difficult for me as well, so I decided to act like someone else when I was 11. From then everyone knows me as an active girl, who's always happy and enjoys life. People started to like me and I thought I would get happier soon…but I didn't. It just frustrated me, it was getting harder to make a difference between the act and myself because I never got a chance to drop the act for bid. So now it's like I'm having two voices in my head, the one who tries to make everyone happy and who tries to be as perfect as possible and the one who is bitter and pretends to hate everything to protect herself. They're always arguing. I need a release, I know that. But I won't do self harm. Not because I think it's bad, but because I'm scared that someone will see the scars and think I'm weak. My mother forbid me to be weak since I was a kid. I always got into trouble with her when I started to cry or to talk about my problems. So I stopped, but now I can't take this any longer. I'm suffering from insomnia since half of an year and I'm having suicidal thoughts since a month. I hate it to act like a different person and to hide my feelings. I don't care if I'm weak, I just want to have the same rights as anyone else. So I told my mother that I'm suicidal right now. We'll wait one week an then we're going to a doctor. I hope that'll help.
So to the person who reads this: I hope there weren't too many mistakes and that you were able to follow my story. I tend to jump from topic to topic.
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