I am 29 and I struggle with Suicide
when i was a kid growing up, I was bullied. I had no friends in school so i was a very quiet child. i always kept to myself. i was either bullied for being fat or unique. I also came from a broken home. my father was an alcoholic and so was my mother. my mother to this day is still an alcoholic and my father was up until he passed away from a heart attack. being bullied and coming home to a broken home was a lot for me. I started cutting myself to ease the pain i was going through. My father would abuse my mother because he was drunk. my syblings and i had to deal with my parents almost on a daily basis. we almost got taken away by DHS because of the abuse. so my mother had to leave my father and we ended up getting an apartment across town. the bullying at school was finally starting to get to me in the 7th grade. i got called fat and so many different forms of the word it was starting to effect me emotionally and mentally. I even had a teacher call me fat when i tried out for cheerleading. told me i was to fat to be a cheerleader and i also had many other girls in the squad tell me the same thing. i started eating a lot. i felt like eating helped with the pain but it only made things worse. i was scared to eat at school because i got scared of the other kids telling me i eat too much so i would have to eat in a teachers room to get away from everyone. finally i got tired of the bullying that one day when i was at home, i took a knife and i held it to my wrist. i was pushing the blade into my wrist when i felt something grab ahold of the knife and told me not to do it. that i had my whole life ahead of me. i believe god saved me that day. after that day, i finally started making some friends. it wasn't a lot of friends but it was enough to help me get through. At the age of 22 i suffered severe depression. A month before i got married, my father passed away from a heart attack. i was going to call the wedding off but i went through with the wedding. A day after my wedding i find out that my cousin died and then 6 months later, my grandpa passes away. 2011 was a very hard year for me. even though it was suppose to be the happiest year for me because i got married to a wonderful man, i lost 3 of my family members. i had suicidal thoughts going through my head that the time. my husband helped me get help before something would have happened. i was on anti depressants for a few months. then in 2012, i loose my best friend from kidney disease. The news of my best friend dying hit me so hard. i had to get back on antidepressents. then the next year which was 2013, after being told by 2 doctors that i was infertile. that i could not have children, after praying for 4 and a half years for an answer, god comes to me and tells me that i need to loose some weight. so i go on a diet and i loose 48 pounds. November of 2013 i find out that i am pregnant! me and my husband were so excited! We told everyone in our family. at my 9 week appointment me and my husband find out that i had a miscarriage. i was so devastated and heartbroken. I started getting my suicidal thoughts back. my depression was so severe, my doctor had to put me on 3 different antidepressents before it actually worked for me. after 2 months i find out that i was pregnant again. so in 2014 i go back to the doctor for my 9 week check and we see a baby on the ultrasound screen. it was so amazing. i got off all my antidepressents and 9 months later had a baby boy. after having a baby, my life changed for the better. and to this day i haven't been depressed or had suicidal thoughts. there are times where i suffer stress but being a parent is defenetly not a walk in the park. I am very greatful that i decided to not end my life back when i was a kid. If i would haven ended it i would never be where i am today. i have 3 beautiful children and a wonderful husband. I hope my story encourages someone to seek help. You have so much to live for. I know it seems like life is hard and you want to end it but trust me when i say this, life if going to get better. you just have to get over that hump. i know its hard getting through school when you are being bullied but i promise i will get better. there is a light at the end of that tunnel.
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