I am 28 and I struggle with Addiction
Hello My Name is Cassie I have been Clean and Sober since January 23, 2014.
My Mom and Dad met in May of 1986 and by August of that same year they were married My Father was raised by both my Grandpa and Grandma Feely, my Grandma was pretty abusive and my Grandpa was a truck driver so he was hardly ever home which left my grandma to run their restaurant and raise both my dad and my aunt in the end my dad became an alcoholic, he has been an alcoholic my entire life. My mother was raised by my Grandpa and Grandma Wilson my Grandpa Died when my mother was around 19 or 20 My Grandpa was retired military and a farmer my Grandma was a stay at home mom as a child she was molested by her father he also molested my mother. This is my story my Fathers an alcoholic and my Mother is a depressive codependent.
I was born in 1989 and raised in Grand Junction, Colorado until 2001 when I was 12 years old. 12 is such an awkward age you’re not a child anymore but you’re not yet a teenager either, for me 12 was an awful year 12 was when my parents decided to up and move us from Grand Junction, Colorado population 62,000 to Hennessey, Oklahoma population 2,000 if the culture shock wasn’t enough lets add that my parents had not only moved us out of the middle of a city they moved us into a farm house on a dirt road where our closest neighbor was a mile away I felt like I had just been dealt the worst hand ever but it was only going to go downhill from there, by 14 we were moving again because my parents had been cheated out of a deal they were making on the house they had planned to finish raising us and growing old in, we moved into a trailer outside of Okeene, Oklahoma and we went to school in a Lomega, Oklahoma Now I don’t know if you guys have heard of this school but it’s made up of two different towns and the school was built out in the middle of a wheat field between the towns. I had just gone from a class of 35 to now I would graduate with a class of 12 by this point I had become very reserved angry and depressed.
My mother had been a stay at home mom from the time I was born until I was 13, she got a job and I became the baby sitter because I had two little sisters to take care of and I took on a “mothering role” i never really let go of it I would mother my sisters I would mother my parents and I would mother myself this is how I got through this crazy time in my life.
I had been complaining to my mom for about a year on and off that it was hard to sleep because my back would hurt so bad I would have to lay on my hand balled up in a fist to find some relief. she took me to the doctors several times about it and they would take x-rays, push on my back in different areas and then tell her they believed I was faking it so I didn’t have to go to bed my mom was furious because I was a teenager, what teenager do you know that doesn’t like to sleep? so she decided to get a second opinion, that doctor called for a CAT scan we went in for that and found out I had a tumor wrapped around my spine we were told I would need surgery and we found out it wasn’t life altering but the recovery time would take a few months so mom decided it was best we wait for summer break so we moved yet again out of the trailer and into a house in Ames, Oklahoma because I was going to have to have my own bed I had been sharing a bed with one if not both of my sisters. we got the surgery done removed the tumor and I was on pain pills to regulate the pain which I began to abuse. I would save them up throughout the day and take them when I wanted, I stayed in bed most the time gained quite a bit of weight because all I did was wake up eat and than go to sleep day in and day out.
After that got exhausting I quit taking the pain pills and decided to stay out of the bed it was a couple months later that we started school at Cimarron It was my junior year new school new weight it was a disaster until I met Keagan he was beautiful and smiled all the time it made me want to smile and he played guitar we started dating not long after we started dating Keagan died in a motorcycle accident leaving my house to go home, I was devastated I took on this belief that I was robbed and never going to meet anyone like him again and for a while I was right not long after Keagan died I started dating Boston that was a huge mistake Boston was abusive and constantly high on something maybe that’s why I stuck it out with him he kept me medicated. not long after we started dating he became abusive and when it got worse we moved I said nothing to him I just up and moved with my family, this time we moved to Okeene, Oklahoma my parents had planned to live there the rest of their lives and so far they have. by the time we moved to Okeene I was so numb that I had to stay numb and then I met Leslea, Leslea became my best friend I would watch her kids for her while she worked the night shift and in the morning I would get the kids up and take them to school while she slept I would pick them up after school and take them home I had pretty much moved in with Leslea halfway through my senior year I didn’t want to be at home so I hardly went home. as much as I could be I was at Leslea’s one of the stipulations was no drugs in her house so I quit smoking pot but the pills I still “needed” the pills because of my back.
Graduation came and the morning after I graduated I started CNA classes, I got certified and I enjoyed being a CNA I enjoyed my residents and the people I worked with. I Met a woman Named Staci a few months into working as a CNA but by August I had been kicked out of my parent’s home because my father said I was a bad influence on my younger sisters I believed it’s because I was dating a female, to this day he will tell you it’s because it was his house and I refused to follow his rules by that time I was a legal adult and he didn’t have to keep a roof over my head if I didn’t want to obey his rules. So Staci and I moved to El-Reno, Oklahoma attained jobs not long after moving there and began to work at Grace Living Center. We were together 2 years before I began to feel trapped once I started feeling trapped I became very with-drawn and I angered easily, my irritation level was through the roof and by the time it was all said and done I had cheated on her more times than I’d like to admit and my drinking had gone from an every other weekend ordeal to all the time and so after 2 1/2 years we cut ties and i moved home.
After moving home my Grandpas Feely’s cancer had spread and he was looking at a couple weeks tops so we went to Colorado to say our goodbyes and love on him a little bit before he passed away. after we got there he seemed to perk up and get better but if you know anything about older people and I should have known I dealt with older people on a daily basis, it was the calm before the storm my parents and sisters went back home a week later and I stayed to take care of him he began to go downhill a few days after they left and by early march of 2010 he took his last breath. I took it really hard I picked up drinking again I was turning 21 that year and I spent many nights out all night. now let me tell you I am a black out drunk I drink until well I don’t know when I stop drinking I just know that I usually woke up in places I didn’t know how I got there wondering where my truck was and where I was, I usually realized I was at a friends house but more often than not I would wake up next to someone id never met before. one night I went to a party with my Roommate Drew, and I met Randy he ended up being my knight in shining armor we all need one of those in our lives right? well I had gotten drunk not black out drunk but drunk enough that I wanted to go to sleep I asked drew if he could take me home and he wasn’t ready to go, so I crawled under a beer pong table to take a nap now let me paint this picture for you real quick I’m under this ply wood table set up on saw horses taking a nap when someone decides to sit on the table Randy was pulling me out from under the table when it crashed to the floor let me tell you, you can sober up real quick when your about to get crushed by and drunk man and some ply wood I spent the rest of the night with Randy come to find out Randy worked with Drew for a Fracing company so he would be home two weeks and he would be gone two weeks after dating a few months I got bored I went to a party with Danielle (we had been friends since we were little) now she had a thing for this guy named Wayne and he was supposed to be at the party we walked into the house and there stood this man he had tattoos all over he was very attractive (just my type) and before I knew it we were in the backyard making out come to find out it was Wayne. i continued to see Wayne behind Danielles back but also Randys I don’t exactly remember when we broke it off or even why but it ended.
When July rolled around Randy and I found out we were pregnant and by November of 2010 my dad had come to Colorado and told me I was moving home if I wanted to or not he said randy could come with us but I was going no matter what, I left randy in Colorado and moved home he had planned to move to Oklahoma in a couple months well that didn’t happen I hadn’t even been home a month before I broke things off with him because we were constantly fighting and I told him I didn’t want him coming if that’s what I was going to have to be dealing with iv seen randy 2 times since than the day after my daughter was born and 1 more time during a court hearing when she was 3 she is seven now. April came quickly and than I was a single mom living with my parents trying to raise a new born I went to the nursing home in Okeene and applied for a job as a CNA I got the job quickly because I had become a CNA at that nursing home it was like picking up where I left off.
Randilyn was about 6 months old when I met Eli he was fresh out of prison (yes I should have seen red flags and flashing lights saying danger) I became attached immediately not long after we met we moved in together (he kind of just came one night and never left) not long into living together I found out he had a meth addiction. Meth was a drug I had always wanted to try but hadn’t had a chance yet because I didn’t know how to get my hands on it. “It doesn’t matter where you go you can always find what your looking for no matter where you are” and Eli had found a way to get what he wanted not even two months of being out of prison. He initially didn’t want me using with him or at all for that matter but I had found a friend at work who had some and so i began using with her I was working double shifts and red bull just wasn’t cutting it anymore and she recommended that I try it couldn’t hurt right? Eli was furious when he found out but had decided if I was going to use I was strictly going to use with him so I had my source and I hit the ground running until I hit a brick wall I realized I was pregnant I miscarried april 3 2012 the day before my daughters 1st birthday.
I became very depressed and started using more, one day I was coming off a week binge and I tried to call into work they told me it was either come in or loose my job. well I had a daughter to take care of so I went in anyway BAD IDEA not even 4 hours into my shift I was asked to take a drug test on the grounds that I was having psychotic episodes. I told them I was not going to take the drug test, I was just fine and I quit. I clocked out and left.
I was 8 months pregnant with my son when Okeene’s Chief officer, Oklahoma attorney general and a Blaine County Sherriff were knocking on my door I had no idea why they were there until they let me know I had an out-standing warrant for my arrest I had 2 felony counts of care taker neglect I was looking at ten years straight without the possibility of parole I signed for drug court in July of 2013 3 months after my son was born. Apparently drug court was not enough to keep me clean because not long after I signed I started using again Eli had become abusive I went to group one day with dark sunglasses on my councilor asked me to press charges, I didn’t and by the next day DHS was on my porch ready to take my kids into protective custody for the drug use and the abuse. I got my 3rd dirty UA while my children were in DHS custody and I was put back in jail on a hold with no bond until I was checked into treatment I got really lucky in my judge and my dhs team they knew that there was something in me that I couldn’t find just yet I was sent to Jordans Crossing with a weeks worth of clothes for 3 people, 2 car seats, 1 crib and a play pen and looking at a year in treatment but the bonus was I took my children with me I spent 9 months of that year debating on taking a kid napping charge and leaving treatment with my children i talked myself out of it everytime by the ninth month DHS called for my last red flag meeting this was when I was told that I either did what I needed to do to finish treatment and learn to like being clean and sober and learn the things I needed to too stay clean or my children would be taken back into custody and given to my parents I would be given back to drug court they would send me to prison to do that 10 years. and when I got out my children would be teenagers and I wouldn’t be able to see them because I would have no custody and I wouldn’t be able to see my family because they would have my children needless to say I graduated Jordans Crossing I decided in those last three months I would not be moving home so I moved into a halfway house in Enid, Oklahoma and I transferred my drug court case over to Enids drug court. This would put me close enough to my family but far enough from my old people places and things. While living in the halfway house I met my now husband I was in drug court with him. Tommy showed me love and acceptance like I’ve never felt before. I closed my DHS case, and a month later I graduated the halfway house and moved in him. In March of 2017 almost 4 years later I graduated drug court with 1,134 days clean by April of that same year I got Married to Tommy. In January of 2018 I celebrated 4 years clean quit my job at Hibdon Tires Plus and started a new adventure at Northwest Center for Behavioral Health as a Peer Recovery Support Specialist my life hasn’t been perfect and I have made choices I wish I hadn’t but today I love who I am I work hard and I try hard and every day I make I choice to not look back on who I was but enjoy who I am recovery is no cake walk your going to come up short sometimes but the decision is yours do you get back up and keep fighting or do you lay down and let it beat you. I wake up every morning and I choose to do the best I can because fighting to stay clean is so much easier that fighting to get high;
I want to leave you with this quote: courage doesn’t always roar sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying “I’ll try again tomorrow”
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