I am 22 and I struggle with Depression
Hi My Name is Katrina, and this is my story.
Do you ever feel sad and confused, and whenever someone tells you "It's going to be okay eventually", it just does not make any sense?
I'd like to tell you about my story, to inspire you that there is hope. & It needs to start from yourself.
To be honest, I am still not okay, but I have decided that I need to stop and fight sadness because the only person who is suffering the most is myself.
I used to be the type of girl who would like to plan everything. Absolutely everything.
When I want something, I would try my best to achieve and get what I want.
I would be known as the "mom" of the group, because I would like to worry about everything.
I have been through a lot in my life, through numerous health problems, being bullied back in High school, moving to a new country and having to prove myself, re-start to create my identity, and one of the worst ones is my mother getting into a car accident which almost killed her (we never found the driver)..
But this recent problem that has occurred in my life has made me question who I am. I think I lost the girl who is sure about everything. But I am blessed in very different ways too don't get me wrong.
My ex boyfriend, has decided to part ways. He is going through a lot in his life right now, and wants to focus on his studies. He wants us to be able to experience life, apart.
He wants to be better, and find his identity. We were becoming too dependent on each other. I relied on him for making me feel loved and accepted.
He says that he loves me and that if "It is God's plan, it will happen." Our relationship was supposed to be 5 years long on May 2nd (today).
He was my everything. I tried my best to give him all the love and understanding anyone could give. We had a plan. (I told you I like making plans, but breaking up was definitely not a part of my plan)
*just a disclaimer: I am not trying to convert anyone, but I would like to share how I have found peace and calmness through faith, through Christ..
Before the break up (Where my Faith was)
I am or was (not sure anymore) a strong woman. If I desire something, I would do it. If anyone would question my opinion, I would try my best to still fight for what I want. I do not know how to let go. I also reached to a point where I thought my parents knew less than me, because I was starting to achieve things on my own.
You see, when this break up happened, I was not strong in my faith. Yes, I would pray, go to church with my family every Sunday, but I did it because I had to.
I used to look forward to weekends after working 40 hours a week in order to party (not that much) and mostly, going out.
I do drink a lot , I guess I just have a high tolerance. But I did enjoy drinking with my friends. I enjoyed shopping a lot.
I think I was finding my self seeking happiness in places that could only give me temporary happiness. It was never enough.
Also, my life was turning out to be okay. I was working full time in a respectable Bank, in their Technology Department. My family was doing okay,
I was starting to get job offers from different companies but I thought I deserve more, because I worked so so hard for everything right?
But, maybe, after all the blessing that I was getting, I forgot to be thankful. I thought I deserved all of it.
After the break up, I was a wreck. I am someone who always tends to fight, be strong and persevere.
But after this, I tried to seek answer in different places. I went to elderly people for advice, I went to different pastors, bought numerous self help books! (I never read books these much by the way)
I went to church for the first time begging for answers. Being mad at God, at everyone. I was even mad at myself.
I was mad at him. How dare him leave me?
I lost hope in life. The guy that I ave everything to, left.
What's the point of trying to be better, if he does not even want me?
Was I not enough, was I a burden? Did I make any mistakes?
Did I give too much? Was there anything wrong with me?
Am I not enough, is what kept going through my mind over and over again.
During the past few months, I was a complete disaster. I was not my confident self. I would cry out of no where. I would not have the appetite to eat. I would lose weight, and everyone knows how skinny I am already.
Wow, I could not even sleep 6 hours straight. I used to sleep 12 hours straight, if I can. I would need to cry before going into meetings at work.. It was just bad.
But then, through out the process, I realized, that I too had mistakes.
After the break up (My Journey of Faith)
A few days after the break up, my journey in finding my faith began. I went to church to cry. I felt peace for about 10 seconds.
I was determined to feel that peace, because let me tell you, I was fighting myself. My own brain. My own brain would tell me that I was the problem.
I made mistakes. There is no hope. Which is true, I did make mistakes but I was wrong with the part of not having hope.
I have talked to a lot of people, who said that this pain would be temporary. It felt like it was a lie. Then, during my vacation, my best friend told me a bible verse, it is from Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord God will all your heart. Do not dwell on your own understanding." This means to trust in something that you cannot see, someone that you cannot hear. This was so hard to understand, to even grasp. I wanted to know why did this happen. Will we ever end back together again? What can I do to fix this? Do I have to change my looks? How I dress up? How I act? This is all my fault.
But one thing that I realized, and it is very hard to accept it.. Is that there are just some things that we really do have the answer to.
My friend told me, I have to work on myself. He has to work on himself. Then, in God's perfect timing, things will fall into place. I have to let go, because there are just some things that I really do not have control over.
That was the first time again, that I felt that there was hope. There was hope amidst all of the darkness that I was feeling deep inside my heart.
I talked to the school counselor, my friends (closest), my family.
Despite of the hundreds of self help books and advice on how to cope with a heart break, it was when I started praying, and lifting up my burdens to someone that I started to truly believe who was bigger than me, was when I felt that small peace in my heart.
I thought, since my friend was a Christian, I can only find peace by being a Christian. Then I realized, I already am a Christian. I just had a weak relationship with Christ. I never even told him about my true problems. I never opened my heart to him. I never even thanked him enough for all the blessings he gave me. I was not alone in this. He was with me from the start.
One night, the pain was so intense, that I thought I was having a stroke or a heart attack. My heart was being squished, I felt like there was thorns around it. I thought to myself, should I start taking drugs? They say it makes you feel good. Or maybe I should just start drinking a lot. Or maybe I should just overdose on medications. But then, I know, that God stopped those thoughts. Then, I prayed. I said take it, take it all. Take all the pain.
He didn't take the pain, it was still there, but he showed me a picture of my family in my head. Then, I realized, it was time. Time to fight the weakness and sadness. Time to fight whatever was consuming me (it was indescribable).
Slowly, I prayed genuinely. I used to pray for what I want. But no, I needed to learn to let go. Just let go of the girl who plans everything. Surrender to him, who knows so much more than me. So… When I truly started praying, crying my heart out to him and not just to myself in the middle of the night, the heavy feeling in the middle of my heart started fading away slowly. It is still here, but the thorns are gone.
Whether you believe me or not, it really does help, to let go of whatever you are facing. Yes, you might be having much bigger problems than me, but life is life. It is not easy. According to Steve Smothermon, the Author of Big problems, Bigger God, "We have to play the cards we are dealt with." We all have our own health problems, life problems, family issues and even issues about ourselves. But when we just complain and complain and have pity on ourselves because we do not have things that we desire, we would always be stuck in the same position.
I know that this may sound hard, especially for people who are going through a lot, I understand you. I truly do. I used to be that person / friend who would say, it's okay.. just change, and do it. But now, I honestly feel lost. I feel confused what is going to happen. Because now, I know things will never always happen according to our plan. But know, that there is HOPE. Because my friend, if we lose hope, life would end. Life is too short to end, we have to persevere. We were made by God to persevere.
In times of trouble, even if you do not believe in Him, seek Him. He will listen to anyone. Even to those who have made mistakes in their life.
I would like to thank my family, my closest friends and especially to all the strangers who spoke to me and encouraged me. These people has helped me more than I helped myself. These people who knew nothing about me, but open heartedly listened to my problems and troubles are the ones who helped me to seek something that is bigger than all of us. You know who you are. Thank you for listening. For actually caring. I have never encountered so many strangers in my life who are actually genuinely kind and open heartedly helping others. I believe that it was all part of his plan. Isn't that wonderful?
So most importantly, I would like to thank God for placing me in this opportunity to be able to turn my heart ache into something bigger, into a story of seeking hope. He knows my desires and everyone else.
I hope and pray that to anyone who is reading this, that is going through troubled times or is even facing any challenges in life, please know that there is hope. We may not know what is happening, we may be experiencing pain, but all we have to do is WAIT. Wait and seek for God's plan.
He heals the broken hearted and heals all wounds.
AND REMEMBER, Do not be like me who always about tomorrow.
For God said, "So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today." Matther 6:34
It is true, don't we have to complete so many tasks today? Just worry about today, and let tomorrow worry about itself. For tomorrow will become today, and we would need to worry about that day, when it comes.
I am still coping with sadness and my questions still floods my mind. Trust me, it was way worst before. Before, it would feel like a sudden rush of waves deep inside my heart and brain. Then, it would slowly consume me and make me sad. But now, when I started lifting up my sorrows, it slowly became better. Whether God is real or not in your lives, the fact that you could lift up something to someone that you do not know, will make the biggest difference in your life. If you have never prayed, just started telling him your concerns. He will listen.
I hope my story would inspire you to seek hope. To fight sadness and not to be weak. (I know that I am still weak, but through God's help and everyone who cares for me, I will be okay) I would strive to fight it now. I hope you will too.
To anyone who is reading this, please pray for me and my friend (God knows what I want, but it is His will that will happen, not mine) and for everyone that is going through hard moments in life. May they see that there is bigger picture and plan that is waiting for them. Just HOPE. (Hold On, Pain Ends)
If it's God's plan, just like as he said, it will happen. I scares me so much to say this, but if we are not meant to be, then I need to be grateful and still be thankful.
For now, we have to focus on standing on our own.
(I hope I would follow all of my advices) If you have any encouraging words or stories, please mention it below!
If you know someone going through a difficult time, share my story on how I found hope in the midst of darkness through Faith. Even if they don't believe, maybe it might start with just ONE genuine prayer.
I know my story was long. Thank you for reading it. I know that I was called by God to testify about Him. He has changed me and is continuously changing me.
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