I am 21 and I struggle with Self Harm
It all started about four or so months ago. The mood swings, changes in personality, feelings that I'd never felt before.
It was all good before then, well mostly. I was bullied in college. Mainly, because I was quiet, I was different. People don't seem to like any difference from the norm. I had to endure the name calling, the singling out. I had to sit there and laugh along with them, it was all in the name of banter. It hurt. The worst thing is they were the only ones who wanted to talk to me. I'm sure there was friendly folk there who spoke to me, but I don't remember them, they don't stick in my mind as much as the bullies.
This was a few years ago now. I finished my course, left college and began to work full time. I work in a supermarket. I love my job, despite the opinions of others. I got a real sense of pride from my work and I wanted to go to work, up until about four months ago. I was up for a promotion and all set to take on a new role as manager, then the bosses at our head office decided to implement a "managerial streamlining" and I have had to watch all of those people that I have looked up to be told that they no longer have a job. I have had to be told that I will be delayed in my career progress. This was heart-breaking. Everything I worked towards taken away from me in one second.
I began to drink more, became more hostile, had more and more violent thoughts against people I loved and myself. It all came to a head a few days ago when I had an argument with my girlfriend and then took a box cutter and pressed it into my wrist. I was drunk. The feeling was glorious. I knew I deserved it. One cut wasn't enough unfortunately, the blade was quite blunt, so I had to run it over the cut a few times to achieve the desired result. I knew what I had done was wrong, but it felt right. I deserved it. I told my girlfriend and she was devastated. I realise now that I've made a mistake. I feel like a disappointment. I wanted to be strong, but I was weak. I couldn't take the thoughts anymore. I had to get rid of them.
I decided today that I will not give in. Realising the love my girlfriend, family and friends have for me has allowed me to see some positive in my life. I have had a call from another store saying there is a potential promotion available, nothing set in stone, but it's a start. I have begun doing more positive things, listening to music, going for walks and being in the moment. Things look up for the future. The thoughts are still there; Telling me I should do it again; That I am worthless and have no place on Earth.
I refuse to let them control me.
I will fight this, no matter how many bruises I get along the way.
As Spock said, "Live Long and Prosper."
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