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My name is Susan, and this is my story

I am 15 and I struggle with Depression

I first realized that I was depressed when I was in fourth grade and my best friend began to treat me really terribly. However, I remained loyal to her. She would make me feel so insecure and unlovable, and I would actually cry myself to sleep almost every night. I was only 9 years old. I shouldn’t have had to know what it feels like to want to kill yourself. This girl that I had called my best friend was a bully. She later made a group chat with a ton of girls in my fourth grade class and they all said really cruel things to me. I felt so alone. This was the first time I said that I had wished I was dead and I had wanted to kill myself. I really don’t think that at the time I even understood suicide or mental illnesses. Anyways, I had remained loyal to this girl through 5th grade as well, although the bullying from her worsened. In 6th grade, I was still her friend. I had become very depressed in 6th grade. I wore black almost every day and stopped taking care of myself. I fell into a really deep slump where nothing could really make me happy anymore. I had used scissors to scratch my wrists, although I could never break skin. I didn’t want my parents to know I was struggling. In 7th grade, I was still friends with this girl, but I had ditched my black clothing and stopped hurting myself. I decided I wanted things to be better. I started to get a ton of new friends. This only made the other girl madder at me. I still remained loyal. In 8th grade, I was on top of the world. I was really popular and I was beginning to mature more. However, in about March of my 8th grade year, I took a razor to my skin and cut my hip, legs, and wrist. I felt helpless. I remember how alone and broken I felt. I only cut my wrist and legs a couple times. I remember counting the endless amounts on my hips. I thought that there was no way that anything could ever get any worse than that. I didn’t know why I was so depressed or why I wanted to harm myself. Life couldn’t have been going better. My parents still never found out I was struggling. However, I soon befriended a guy from my school and he found out what I was doing. He would stay up with me every single night on the phone or texting or snap chatting to make sure I was okay. Before high school rolled around, I had completely stopped cutting. In 9th grade, where I am now, him and I lost touch. We still smile in the halls and say the occasional hellos, but if you saw us, you’d think that we’d never even spoken before. In grade 9, I finally started seeing a therapist. I had asked my mom about it and told her what was going on. She agreed. I tried to kill myself 3 times this year. I’m really glad I didn’t though. It wasn’t until a couple of weeks ago that I finally cut that girl I used to call my best friend out of my life. She tried to stop it, and she still says awful things about me every single day, but as far as I’m concerned, she has no power over me anymore. My story is far from over. I still struggle every single day with my depression and anxiety disorders, but I am stronger than I once was. I haven’t cut since 8th grade and I don’t plan on ever going back to that, though I have come close a few times. I don’t think that I will ever completely overcome my illnesses, but I know that I will get stronger everyday, and my story will not be ended early.

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