I am 18 and I struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder
If you know what a 5150 is, I'm so sorry.
My days at the psychiatric hospital were some of the darkest days I have ever lived. But nothing will ever compare to what I felt when I was officially diagnosed during the stay. The day I was discharged, the psychiatrist spoke with me individually. We discussed my follow up, a safety plan, and my diagnosis. I was expecting something along the lines of 'depression' 'anxiety disorder' or 'bipolar disorder'. But when the words 'borderline personality disorder' left the doctors mouth, the little bits of my soul vanished. Tears filled my eyes and stained my cheeks. In that moment, it just hit me. I'm really struggling with an illness but I can't tell anyone. I just have to sit with it all day, meanwhile everyone around me just sees me and thinks I have my whole life together. But I don't. I dropped out of UCLA, was on academic probation, ten thousand dollars in debt, and was alone. All alone. I lost all hope and motivation. What do you do with your life after you just tried to end it?
"Can you tell me about yourself?" is such a daunting question for a borderline because today I could tell you I prefer dark colors, I'm quiet, and I don't have a lot of friends. But tomorrow I could walk in wearing all white and pastel colors, talk endlessly and energetically while texting away.
I don't know how to answer that question and I probably never will because I have no idea who I am and there are so many versions of me, I myself can't even keep up.
Days haven't been the best since my diagnosis. To be honest, it feels like it's getting harder to keep living. I feel so alone and so disconnected from reality.
If there's anything I believe in these days it's my own resilience. No matter how many setbacks I come across, I am still actively dreaming the best version of myself into existence each and every day. I am relentless in pursuing what I want and I am patient enough to wait for my efforts to pay off. I'll make it. I'll always make it.
To anyone who is struggling with their mental health and doesn't think they can live like this much longer; if you're reading this, please stay alive. You're still here and you're so strong and I am so proud of you.
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