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My name is Susan, and this is my story.

I am 15 and I struggle with Suicide

(not using real names in my story)
Let’s go back 5 years to fourth grade. In fourth grade, I was confident, popular, and I had two best friends. Let’s call them Bella and Katie. I guess you could say that I was like the ‘leader’ of our group. Bella would start a new fight with me every single day and treated me awful. Every time we got in a fight, Katie would be stuck in the middle. This went on all year and I ended up getting very depressed and I cried all the time. In 5th grade, Bella decided that if I didn’t give her all my attention, then she’d make sure to make me miserable. 5th grade was around the time we lost touch with Katie and she got new friends that treated her well. During 5th grade was when Bella replaced Katie with Ariana. Ariana followed every single thing Bella said and didn’t care about anyone but Bella. 5th grade was around the time when girls that were thinner and played sports began to become the popular ones. I was always a bigger girl and I had a passion for music and that affected who would hang out with me. Around this time, there was another girl (we’ll call Cindy) who i began to get close with. However, in the same year, she had added me to a group chat with a ton of people (including Ariana and Bella). Everyone in the group chat soon began saying really awful things to me were treating me terrible. This was the first time that I had said I wanted to kill myself. My parents later found out and I got grounded. Bella ended up coming around though and was nice to me again. The next year, it was time for 6th grade: my first year of middle school. At first, I felt happy. I thought that maybe I would make a lot of new friends and I wouldn’t have to be trapped with Bella and Ariana anymore. I was wrong. In 6th grade, I began listening to very depressing bands and wore black everyday. Ariana also took a liking to these bands and we were bonding over that. One day in 6th grade, I decided to get an instagram account, even though my mom had said that I couldn’t. Later in the year, I ended up getting bullied very badly online. My mom found out and I got grounded for a while. When 7th grade came around, I had ditched my black clothes and dressed in bright and preppy clothes. I made some new friends but I was still trapped with Bella and Ariana. 7th grade was pretty uneventful. I was still struggling with depression but I hadn’t thought about suicide for a while. I thought things were looking up. Then 8th grade came around. In 8th grade, I grew close to this guy named Allen. We became friends when we found out we were second cousins. It wasn’t until the 8th grade trip to DC when we started texting and facetiming a lot. Almost every day. During the trip was when he found out that I was pretty depressed. Anxiety had always been a part of my life, so it was hard for me to trust him, but I felt safe with him. Like maybe things would get better. A while after DC, things became way worse with Bella and Ariana. I soon started to self harm. Allen knew and he had seen my cuts. I was in a really dark place at this time, but he stayed with me. We facetimed every day and night and started hanging out in and out of school. In the summer before high school, we started to drift apart, but I stopped self harming before high school started. When I got into 9th grade, I was determined to make new friends. This started when I went to band camp. I was so excited, but band camp ended up becoming a nightmare. There was a new girl in my section and she made me miserable and still does. I had made comments to some people about how I had wanted to kill myself, but they had assumed I was kidding and laughed with me (because band camp is a lot of work!). However, someone overheard and the director pulled me out of practice, contacted my parents, and took my phone. We had a long conversation about me being suicidal, but everything blew over and I convinced everyone that I was kidding. After camp, when school came around, I had become really close to a senior named Andy. I talked to him about everything that was going on in my mind. One night, I was having an awful time. I told him everything and I later heard my moms phone ringing and there was knocking at the door. The police had come and everyone was calling my mom. They thought I was killing myself. Shortly before this incident was when I told my mom I was having a rough time and I began seeing a therapist. After the incident, I missed some school, but I eventually came back and no one even knew why I was gone. Skipping ahead a few months, this brings us to the present. I have thought about suicide a lot between then and now but I haven’t relapsed. I’m still struggling with mental health and I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression. However, I am doing better. I completely cut off Bella from my life and things are slowly getting better. This is a battle I will have to fight everyday, but I’ve come so far and I can’t stop now.

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