I am 27 and I struggle with Depression
I don’t even know where to start. I have always felt out of touch with everyone. Except for a very small number of people in my life, I’ve always felt like I didn’t belong, like I was the odd man out and like I wasn’t good enough.
I became extremely obese during my college years. I had only had one girlfriend (my freshman year of high school) until I was 23. I always felt like the fat guy who everyone didn’t want to be around. I had a yearning to feel like I belonged and for someone to love me outside of my family.
During college, I used to eat a pint of ice cream, a large pizza and drink two 40s almost every weekend night. I suffered from insomnia and became very reclusive. I always felt out of touch with everyone around me and have always been envious of my friends and how they presented themselves.
I developed an addiction to porn and alcohol and shut myself out from everyone. When I graduated, I moved to a new state with my family and hit the lowest point I had every been in. I was living back with my parents, and had no one to be around except them. I had still never had any real sexual experiences either. I remember sitting in my room for atleast four months and just watching movies and drinking. I did not even want to be around my family and often stayed home when everyone went out.
When I was 23, I got a job. I made two descently close friends and had an actual girlfriend. She was gorgeous and I was over 300 lbs. it made me so insecure about myself. I never understood why she was with me and distinctly remember guys looking at us when we went out like “why is she with him”. I became so needy and attached to her. I was constantly doing romantic and nice things for her. I loved her. She started to withdraw from me and it went south from there.
She would blow me off and then we would fight. I remember so many times I would wait for her on my front porch for hours when she was late or ended up canceling our plans. It ended very poorly and I cut her out of my life all together. Deleted everything that reminded me of her and went back to drinking, eating and watching porn. Shortly after I got weight loss surgery. I wanted to be in shape to get the job I’d always wanted since I was a child, it required me to be in good shape.
I lost almost 180lbs and people started to treat me completely differently. Girls would talk to me and flirt with me. I went from that guy who just literally wanted to be invisible, to someone people enjoyed being around. I was still fat on the inside and insecure as ever.
I started having sex for the first time At 24. I was so damaged from pornography that it was not anything I had hoped it would be. I slept with over 13 girls in one year. I tried to have relationships with most of them but they all ended in me bein let down then let go.
I worked so hard to get in shape and I did. For the first time in my life I enjoyed going to the gym. I enjoyed talking to girls and being around other skinny guys. But I still was insecure of my body.
I got my dream job and then I met her. She was everything u ever wanted in someone. Kind, compassionate and beautiful. We instantly hit it off and she changed me.
Her family completely and utterly despised me, mainly for religious purposes, and It made things so hard for us. I was constant biding for her time and bending over backwards. This is when I hit the lowest low of my life.
I started my training for my job. It changed me. I was under constant stress… I didn’t eat and I didn’t sleep. But I had her. I would call her every morning at 5 before we started training just to tell her I loved her to get me through the day. But it was so hard. She lived an hour away, with her parents and I was always begging her to make time for me. I fell back into old habits. I did everything without getting much in return, or maybe I expected too much in return.. I don’t know.
She was my real seriously girlfriend. Six months into the relationship I wanted to marry her. I told all my friends and family she was the one for me.
I fell into such a deep depression with all the stress, and insecurity. I confided in her with my deepest darkest secrets and fears. She never left me. But I still didn’t feel the feelings were reciprocated.
Then I started my job for real and saw some seriously disturbing things. I’ve seen dead bodies, dead babies and suicides. It changed me. I was so sad and depressed and my girlfriend told me some things that happened to her when she was young that devastated me. I wanted to be with her always and forever and protect her from everyone and everything.
I think I became overbearing to her. I was always worried about her. And with me always having to be ready for the worst at my job, and seeing all the stuff I did.. I became so depressed and anxious. I put her in front of everyone else in my life, my family included.
We started fighting almost constantly but we both still loved each other so much. I started having panic attacks and she would help me through them. I started having suicidal thoughts. Like serious ones. I told her about them and she said if I didn’t talk to someone she would tell someone, even though I held all of her secrets for her.
I started medication a few months ago and started talking to someone. We never made it past that. Almost two years together and she still didn’t know what she wanted. I didn’t care I changed everything about myself to fit her needs, things I told myself I would never do. I changed the way I acted and started to change my religion to be closer with her and her family, even though when we first started dating she told me it didn’t matter as long as we loved each other.
She started to push me away. Then bring me close then push me away again. That, combined with my stress from work and life and my depression just made everything worse.
I thought the depression meds would make me feel better but we still had to find the right dosages and medications. My doc would say “we will up your dose and see how you feel in six weeks, because that’s how long it takes I start working”.
I didn’t feel like my therapist helped much. She costed me $200/month plus all the money from my doctor visits. I started to feel a little better in the past few weeks but my girlfriend and I were getting so far apart.
She told me she had to go away for two years for religious purposes (a mission) and I was devastated. We talked about it early on and I said I wouldn’t get involved with someone who was going to do that because it would be too hard on me to become to attached and then cease all contact for two years, she said it was not an option for her to even consider doing it. Now she’s telling me she wants to do it.
I thought about it and agin conceded. I told her that I loved her, wanted to be with her forever. And get married when she came back. She agreed with me. But as that conversation went on she completely shut down.
By the time it was over she would even look at me. I asked her for a hug before I left and she declined to even touch me. It killed me. She started to ignore me for days on end and I was losing my mind.
I would break down at work and just cry uncontrollably. She became more distant and I felt like all the progress I had made with my therapy and medication completely vanished.
I had to change my dosages again and started taking two medications. Shortly after we broke up. ThT was a week ago. We ended it saying we both loved each other. I was so pathetic. Here I had done everything, given everything I could, and was basically rejected. But I stood there and said I still loved her and wanted To be with her forever, just let her take as much time as she needed then come back to me so we can spend our lives together. We agreed to stop talking all together until she figured her stuff out. This was last week.
The next day she was texting me telling me she loved me and missed me. I told her I did back. Since then she will send one text every few days. I send one right back telling her I love her and miss her, usually with no reply.
I talked to her on the phone and asked her if we were 100% going to get back together and she said yes eventually.
The first day we broke up I slept with a girl that had always been a flirt with me. My girlfriend and I did not have sex and agreed to wait for marriage. I had 100% changed my attitude Nd agreed to do that with her. Then when I slept with this girl I felt so shameful. It was so unemotional and all I could picture in my head with my ex.
Today is the day before Valentine’s Day and the present I ordered for my girlfriend two weeks ago arrived. It just made me sink so deep.
I haven’t gone to therapy in a month because I have been broke. I’ve literally taken every extra shift at work that I can just to keep me occupied.
I feel so alone. I feel like no one will every love me the way I love them. I feel broken. I have very few friends and at times I feel like they just tolerate me. They have parties and do stuff without me all the time. I have been drinking heavily the past two weeks and it’s made it worse. I drunk texted my ex telling her I just wanted her back and was so lost without her. This was the same day I watched a little boy die in front of his mother.
I feel so alone. So so alone. The though of suicide is not a reality for me. I don’t think I could do it. Every now and then the thought races through my head for a split second.
But mainly I feel as if I will never find that person that I am searching for. I don’t want to strt over again with someone else and I feel so sad. It seems so ironic. I have my dream job and had my dream girl. But I felt more depressed now then I ever have.
Thanks for reading.
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