I am 16 and I struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder
I will not try to compare my situation and story to the magnitude of others and I ask in return for you to do the same. I am here to simply tell my story in hopes some lost soul may wander across it and feel a little less loss.
We all have our little boats tumbling across a wide expanse of an ocean, but the stars don't always shine in that cool dark of night.
I have always found my true fear is always the emptiness of night, is simply the darkness. It is looking up at the sky and desperately clawing at its wide domain. The simple knowledge of these little pin pricks in the night guiding my expedition through life can be covered by a simple cloud passing is terrifying. The understanding that just with the change of the winds my world will be cast into an unforgiving glow, held me captive. My fear of being lost was the very thing torturing me. I knew this, I still know this.
It makes me grimace at the fact I have created my own jail cell and have repeatedly thrown away the key. People question why I follow the same patterns relentlessly, acting as if I am blind to the problem. I used to blind to the problems no doubt, but after years of struggling and fighting against this cycle, my eyes have been opened. I would never choose to lose my little stars, lose my lights in this dark world, lose my friends. Very few people would willingly choose to end all close ties, to cut the ropes that keep you walking.
I find life in itself a struggle. Feeling a constant weight on my chest trying to get out of bed, to even drink water. People don't tend to notice this, they see the extroverted kid who plays video games, who plays sports, who takes hard classes, they do not see the pain, the dark, raging inferno burning away inside. They do not see the lost boy trying to find connections to people, they do not see the blinded sailor navigating with a torn up map.
I bleed my apologies out. I try and explain my situation when they get angry for me staying home instead of going out, I beg for forgiveness when I can't be asked to message back because how can I find the will to socialize, when I don't have the will to breath?
In most cases I end up leaving 'for the sake of others' or I get so attached they decide to leave themselves. I hate it. Friendships come and go so often I have lost track. Deeper relationships start and stop all in a single beat of my heart. It tugs at my sanity, it eats at my heart, and it devours my trust. Living with the constant fear they are talking behind your back, only talking to you because they pity you, only indulging you so they can use you another day, only even looking your way because enjoy watching you hurt, is… I don't know how to put it. I rarely am at a loss for words in describing pain, but living through that constantly is just something of itself. I do know there are many deeper pains, but despite that, I am at a loss for how to describe that feeling other than terrifying.
I have rambled on long enough. There is no need to get into details for there is far to many to even remember now, much less divulge and if you have made it this far in my story, I truly hope you learned something from me.
Finally to all of those who are also lost, we can always find salvation in each other. Thank you for your time, cheers to hoping for a dawn to end this almost seemingly ever lasting night. I am here if anyone needs another light in the night.
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