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My name is Mattie Stearns, and this is my story.

I am 12 and I struggle with Suicide

How do you begin a story that will not only hurt you, but it’s going to bring up all the demons you’re trying so hard to keep inside to protect the people that you know care about you? The answer is that you can’t. You just have to tell the story. That’s what I’m doing today.
I don’t really know how to begin, but we’ll start with the divorce. When I was just two years old, my mother and father divorced. I never really understood, but all I had ever known was my mom lived here and my dad lived there. My mom was single and my dad was dating a girl named Marie. She had never really been nice to me and my brother, but we didn’t think anything of it. We both knew that she didn’t like our mom, but we couldn’t imagine why. Turns out Marie and my mom used to be really good friends but my dad had cheated on my mother a few times and they divorced when he cheated on her with Marie. I still wonder why Marie hates my mom and my mom doesn’t hate her… shouldn’t it be the other way around?
After a few years of my mother being single, my uncle went to jail for illegal drugs. He had four kids at the time, and my mother got custody of the two oldest kids, Allison and Jaden. We didn’t have much money, and we had four kids. My mom needed help, and I didn’t know how to give it to her. To this day I blame myself for no reason, I know it wasn’t my fault.
After my cousins went back into their father’s custody, my mother got with a man, (if i can even call him that, he was more of a monster.) his name was Billy. I hated him. I still do. He treated my mother so wrong, and i’m pretty sure he abused her. I don’t know. He forced me to change into a bathing suit in front of him, and for no reason. He had a son named Kobie. His son’s cousin, Jase, was the first person to sexually harass me. I feel like after it happened it was never brought up and I still have nightmares about it. I was so happy when my mom left that piece of trash for good. I don’t wish death upon him, because I know what it feels like to wish death upon myself and it’s an awful feeling… but I do hope that he breaks his leg or something…
Now we’ll move to the 4th grade. I was sexually harassed by an autistic boy named Devin. This was not put down. I felt like my mom actually cared this time. She had conferences about it and I thought she cared. She forgot again. Little does she know I still have nightmares about this. It’s like I’m the only one who remembered or cared. He did this every other week, groping me in all of my private areas, that even as a boy with autism he knew not to touch. He knew better, but not once did he get in trouble just because he had autism. Whatever. The nightmares about both people still haven’t subsided even to this day. They has been going on for years.
When I was in 5th grade, my mother got married/engaged to a man named Jeff Stice. (I don’t remember the dates clearly) She was so happy and so was I… until we had to move to Bowling Green which is about three hours away from my old home. I began showing signs of depression but I didn’t know it was that at the time. I hid my feelings so others could be happy.
On June the 2nd, a boy named Jude Clemons and I began talking. I was no longer depressed, but happy to move. Jude and I began being “boyfriend and girlfriend” on August 7th. I was the happiest I had ever been in my entire life. Until Friday, October 13th. I hit a low I didn’t know was possible. I discovered that it was my ex best friend, Cameron Seabolt that had caused him to break up with me. It was my fault. I still regret becoming friends with Cameron because I ruined my relationship by being his friend. On October 18th, Jude and I got back together. All sadness was gone. Until three short days later when Jude broke up with me again and confessed that he only got back together with me because he didn’t think that I was “mentally stable.” I became majorly depressed and started cutting. Jude messed with my feelings so much. I cut almost every day. Not too soon after, a girl who I won’t name sent my mom a picture of me that caused her to go through my phone. It was not an appropriate picture. All my conversations were read, and I’m grounded from social media until I’m 18. The thing is, I have a lot of pictures and conversations with her that could get her grounded until she’s 18 as well. That’s besides the point. I then had no way to talk to anyone if it wasn’t in person. The cutting got even worse. I was doing it every morning and night.
I used to joke around with my friends… say someone started dancing stupidly during class, I would say, “I’m going to kill myself.” We all laughed. But then on a random day that I said it, I realized that I wasn’t joking around anymore. Even before this I had been crying myself to sleep almost every night and it just got worse during an entire two weeks. I just wanted to die. I went to sleep each night hoping I wouldn’t wake up. I then took a knife from the kitchen, and I held it to my throat, ready to go. I started crying and put the knife away thinking about my family and friends and Jude. I kept thinking about him and if he would be hurt by it. This happened 5 times. I knew I couldn’t continue this pain anymore. There’s something called “13 Reasons Why” and basically what I did was I made a packet to be passed around to all the people who made me kill myself. Jude was at the bottom of the list, because he was the main reason. I had planned to overdose. I gave the packet to my best friend, Emily, to pass out when I did it. She showed Jude the packet, knowing that he was the only one that could convince me not to. He talked to me and conveniently convinced me not to. He also made me promise not to cut myself anymore. I did, because I couldn’t not. I just looked into his eyes and I couldn’t refuse. God his chocolate brown eyes… I still think about them and get lost in thought. That’s what I did after a game around two weeks later. I had been cheering and had to leave early because my brother had a hockey game my mother went to. She dropped me off at home and I broke down. I screamed and cried about everything and I just wanted to go back to the place I grew up. I began hearing voices that told me that I was worthless and that everyone wanted me dead anyway. I cried myself to sleep yet again, but not before I cut. I cut my wrist and I cut Jude’s name into my arm. Alot. That was another night that a knife was held to my throat. The next day at school, I wrote another note to Jude. He had left school early so I gave the note to my best friend to show him. It said a lot of personal things and it said that if my father didn’t let me live with him that I would overdose on Monday after school. My best friend and I were going to talk to the guidance counselor about a lot of drama that had been going on. She called Emily up to the office alone without me where Emily told her about my plan of suicide. She told her about all the name calling that had been going on towards me too, which I’m happy for because it stopped. It was another reason for my depression.
My parents were called and we went to the Youth Crisis Center. I was asked a lot of questions and it wasn’t safe for me to go home. I ended up at Rivendell Behavioral Health Hospital. It made me even more depressed than before. I was basically at a mental hospital. I was there from Friday night to Thursday morning. I went home Thanksgiving morning.
After a week of being out, I began cutting again. After another week, my parents found out and didn’t support me whatsoever. I was broken. I felt as if they hated me. They threatened to take me back to Rivendell. I just went along with whatever because I knew that someone might need me. I wanted help. I was diagnosed with depression, and I went to Rivendell for self harm and suicidal ideations and now they get mad? I was so angry.
We went to my father’s house the weekend of the week this had happened. I have a step brother, Chandler, who molested me. He touched me everywhere, never stopping. Persistence was key for him. I told my brother and cousin, who listened carefully and almost went to fight Chandler. But, my mom called to talk to Braxton. He told my dad and mom and we had a talk about it. The morning after, me, my dad, Marie, and Chandler all talked. Of course Chandler denies this, saying “She’s 12 I’m 17.” I eventually got up and looked in his eyes. I said “Which is exactly why you shouldn’t have done it. You’ll have to live with this guilt for the rest of your life. You molested and 12 year old suicidal girl who cuts her wrist. How do you feel, now that you are a sex offender?” Or so, that’s what I wanted to say. I really only said “Which is exactly why you shouldn’t have done it.”
Something good did happen though. I have a new boyfriend, Gage, even though I am NOWHERE NEAR over Jude. I love Gage very very very much. I also got a new phone for Christmas. The only thing is that Jeff can see everything I do on it. The only reason that I don’t like that is because I can’t talk about depression or self harm.
I do believe there is hope, I just have to look harder to find it. I still struggle horribly with depression and suicidal thought, and more so wanting to self harm. I haven’t self harmed in a long time and I’m proud of that. There is hope. God says so.

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  1. You are amazing. I am 13 and I think that we may have a lot in common. Parents can be shit. When I told mine how I was raped by my neighbor every day for two years before they moved away, they called me a crybaby. Said it was my fault. You are not alone. You are a hero.

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