I am 29 and I struggle with Depression
It's hard to say what initially triggered my downfall. It all started years ago after I was in a long relationship (Shoutouts to Emi – You really were a crazy bitch.) and my discovery of finally being free. I found myself getting back into a hobby that I enjoyed – Karaoke. The joy of going out with friends several times a week and finally having fun was a nice change of pace, yet little did I know would start so many problems. I soon found myself drinking…. a lot. It was to the point where my tabs would reach hundreds per night, several times a week. The thought of how much money I wasted away back in the years is shocking. I managed OK at first, I would survive on little sleep and yet still find myself at the office at 8am on the dot. That was the first to slip. 8 became 8:15, 8:15 soon became 8:30, 8:30 soon became oh crap I need to make up an excuse about some non existent traffic to explain why I'm showing up close to 9. My boss hated it. To the point where he actually eventually came to me one day and said he was changing my scheduled start time from 8 to 8:30 because he was sick of me coming in late with excuses. This wasn't enough of a wakeup call – I still kept up my ways of drinking all night but I started to make a point of actually arriving to work on time.
Soon enough, I gained more responsibilities at my jobs. Not only was I working the typical 8 hours during the day, but I'd also work both after hours during the week from home, as well as all day on the weekends as well. All I did was work. Not as much time for drinking but we discover a new joy – medical marijuana!
How exactly did I get the card? Well, that was ridiculously easy and took less then 10 minutes via an iPhone app… For some time, this actually was a nice stage of my life. I was able to actually sleep better, focus better, and overall just felt happy with my life.
I soon got sick of my current job and knew I needed to find something else. With the hunt for a new job, and a high chance of a drug test to start with a new employer, we went back to drinking more at this point.
I landed a job as a contractor for a decent company. I tested clean! and now we're back to not carrying again. It's a blur of drinking and smoking at this point…. until the contract came to an end.
I needed to be able to test clean again. I cut smoking completely, and after two months, landed myself a position with the same company as an employee.
At this time, my card had expired. I guess that was kind of a blessing in a way. I decided to just stick with drinking.
Drinking. Blacking out. Feeling suicidal. Cutting myself. You get the point. I reached my low.
It wasn't until one night when I was talking to a good friend Adrian that I finally realized what I was doing – He told me I needed to get help, and I told him I would.
So, here's the point we meet Psychiatrist #1 – An idiot that didn't seem to listen and jumped to pushing medication. I told myself I didn't need it. I down played everything I was told and considered everything she said as irrelevant.
Psychiatrist #2 is up to bat… wait… what is she telling me? The exact same thing.
I ended 2017 with a prescription for Bupropion, and a promise to myself that I'd drink less (I say less instead of not at all cause let's face it, we all need a good drink once in awhile)
2018 is a new year. I decide I am ready for changes. The scars on my arms are fading, and I am just finally ready to put this all behind myself. I start the year by getting a tattoo on my wrist – A heartbeat with a semicolon. It is my reminder of what I've been thru, as well as a reminder to myself to keep on going. We will soon see what comes of this new year.
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