I am 23 and I survived Suicide
"Dive. You are standing on the shore, afraid to dive into new waters. And you’re afraid because you don’t want to say goodbye…. Now you are standing there, looking out at your options. The icy blue water, the fast flowing river, or the choppy blue sea. And they all look very appealing to you because you’re dying to go for a swim. But you know the water is going to be cold and the journey is going to be hard. And when you reach the other side you will have become a new person, and you are scared to meet that new version of yourself. Now, we all get used to our own personas and used to our own comfort zones. But trust me, in order to live we must keep daring. Keep diving".
Hi I'm Bella and this is part of my story…
Well, where do I start… So when I was 16 I went through a trauma and ended up getting my first diagnosis of Anorexia from my GP. I was a professional gymnast at the time and gymnastics was the one place I could forget about anything and everything, the one thing I was actually good at. But I became too unwell with my eating disorder so much so that mum booked me in to see my first ever psychologist at the age of 16. Her name was Alison and she was lovely. But I soon started outpatient appointments at the local hospital where I did a day program three times a week. I had to get weighed, eat three meals and three snacks. We did programs like mindfulness and stuff. It was so hard, but what got me through were the friends I made along the way. Then as I was recovering from my eating disorder I began to self harm. At first it was just superficial cutts. Then at age 18 I self harmed so badly that I required my first ever stitches. From then it got even worse, cutting so deep into either my wrists, arms or thighs requiring surgery. Then I had my first attempt of suicide. I jumpped off a two story high roof breaking my back in four places. I'm in constant pain now from it. I have overdosed a few times, have been in and out of the public and private mental health wards. I've had E.C.T and have been on many medications.
Then I had a brush with death. I self harmed right through an artery in my wrist and lost two whole litres of blood. I litterally felt my soul leaving my body. When the paramedics arrived I was barely conscious and then everything went black, then had this 'out of body experience' which I have only told two people about. It was then that I needed CPR. I woke up in the ambulance. When I arrived at the local hospital I was rushed into the resus bay, blood and all sorts of medicines were hung up and once they got me stable I was rushed into surgery. Following this attempt I was put in the public mental health ward against my will for two whole months. I'm doing much better now. Although I still have my ups and downs. I have a more positive outlook on life, I have hope for my future and that is one thing you have to hold on to, HOPE.
"I am beautifully broken perfectly imperfect, beautiful in all my flaws. All together I am a beautiful disaster".
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