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My name is Tyler Brown, and this is my story

I am 24 and I survived Suicide

Truly not sure how to start this out, but I guess the story starts when I was 15.
When I was young, cannot remember my exact age, my parents split up. Before they split I could always remember constant fighting. My mother was an alcoholic and my father was a workaholic, so whenever they weren't there I was always do things on my own. After my parents split is when my depression started. I first lived with my mother and things were going great but one days she just up and disappeared for a day, this was when I was 12 or so, and I was worried, a young child at home alone at midnight thinking his mother should be home who wouldn't? When that occurred I moved in with my father not long after my mother found out I moved. After that for years, until my graduation, my mother constantly argued with my father for rights of visitation or just right to see me, including my sister but I constantly said no. I mean I loved my mother but it always stuck in my mind, she left the house for a few days without a word and had me worry. Things were going great, my father did his best to raise us but a woman walked into his life and he fell in love. No issue there but she just acted strange and along so did my father and sister. I grew to dislike her, not because she dated my father but because of the way she treated me. She didn't treat me like a human being but like trash. She always called me a n***er, I'm white, for wearing skater shoes. She would yell at me for being a teenage boy, I'm 15 or so at the time, she ended up convincing my father to completely abandon me. Not to sound like a spoil brat but I basically didn't have a birthday for 4 years between my parents.
I was in and out between my parents. If one fight started up I'd move out because I couldn't handle it, I was cutting my wrist wishing to die, drinking constantly, I had no friend and no one to vent to. Between the constant arguing and stuff between my parents I couldn't handle it anymore so I emancipated myself.
After my emancipation I went and lived with a friend from church till I graduated high school. After high school I ended up moving back in with my father and got a job in the oil industry which was really great to me at the time. My suicide issues was in the past, I know I didn't say much but I really do not know what to say, and I finally met the perfect woman. I mean when I say perfect, she was perfect, like God made a goddess more beautiful than the northern lights and she was a strong willed woman. We fell in love but because of my past I learned to not trust anyone. I didn't know how to talk and express my feelings, I never told her I was suicidal and had a fear of being alone because of abandonment issues from both my parents, not sure I mentioned it but my father ended up abandoning me for that woman, and I feared her or leaving me. I did everything I could to express my love towards her but I was never good at expressing things. We ended up fighting constantly and it got so bad that I ended it with her.
This is where my suicide gets worse. I started drinking a lot, jack Daniels became my best friend during our break up and even though she begged me to come back everything just stressed me out. I loved her but at this time I was trying to get acceptance from my family. They were the major influence in my break up and when I found out that I made the wrong decision I knew it was too late. I started cutting myself again, I couldn't take the abandonment again, even though it was my fault. I wanted my best friend back, I wanted my love back and I wanted to exchange it back for what my first initial choice was. Well when I asked her back out she didn't want me, or at least at that time she wanted to take be things slow and rebuild, but I was to ignorant to realize that. The more I pushed the more she pushed me away and it got to the point I started my suicidal thoughts again, all this happened and this year. 3 times I attempted suicide, I had a gun to my head, I OD, I slit my wrist. Still to this day I regret the mistake I made and pray to God for her back knowingly I do not deserve my soul mate because she deserves someone so much more and so much better than my toxic self.
I know this is a story that's all over the place but I recently found out that I have no one in my life to vent and I recently saw what is the true reason for my actions and I just really need to vent. People do have it worse than me but I really need to vent and you all are the only ones that competely understands and won't past judgement.

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  1. You are a strong person you may not think it but you are.Your story is a very deep one and i can understand with the relationship part,i broke up with someone because i didn’t want them to know about any of my problems, and really i do need some one to vent to too 🙂 I hope that you stay in this world and find the person you need (even if it is just to vent) 😀

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