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My name is Daniella, and this is my story

I am 21 and I survived Depression

Hi I’m Daniella and my story starts in high school for my depression/suicidal thoughts and my eating disorder is recent starting about a year ago but I’m in recovery just a couple of months ago. I have struggled with depression and yes I have still days where I do seclude myself from everyone and everything but I do not have suicidal thoughts. There was a long period in my life in high school where all I did was go and party and drink my problems away then there was a time where I did not leave my house only to get the mail would be my exception. My worst time with my depression was my senior year I was struggling with self image and also school work. Long story short I was not able to graduate with my class and that took a toll over me every time I saw myself in the mirror I thought I was such a disappointment to everyone especially my family I didn’t leave the house I was crying in the middle of night in the bathroom when I knew no one was awake and I didn’t sleep or all I did was sleep. With not going to college and seeing everyone going to college and seeing pictures of graduation parties I started to look at how I look at that’s when my self esteem went lower than it already was I gained a lot of weight because all I did was eat because I didn’t know what else to do since I never left my home. I did get my diploma about a couple of months ago but I guess to deal with my depression I put that all in loosing weight and I did which lead to people noticing me and giving me recognition that I wanted. I started to eat lower than 500 calories a day because I thought eating more was too much and that 500 would be good enough to survive on I did have some scares of me almost fainting or waking up like throwing up then after I lost what I wanted and was finally happy I started to binge eat which lead to self hate and I’m just starting to learn how to properly eat big meals that are healthy and not to mention when I was only eating 500 calories I was only eating fruit which is a bunch of water and the occasional egg. Now I am a healthy vegan and happy. I won’t lie I do have days where I look back at how I used to and want to look like that again but I know I am at a healthy weight. IT DOES GET BETTER from a person who didn’t want to talk to anyone didn’t want to go out cried every single night and did not sleep and someone who looked at food as the enemy I OVERCAME IT! i am happy I didn’t go through the many suicidal attempts I had! I have written my suicide not I’ve cleaned out my locker once I was ready to leave this world but all I thought about was my family and who would find me and who would try to wake me up or who would have to read my note. I thought what pain my mother and dad would go through or my sister that I share a room with would she ever want to sleep in this room where I was planning on taking all the pills we had. Or that time were I was crying in the bathroom so much that I couldn’t breath and I had a sharp object next to me that I was going to use to cut my wrists and thinking who would have broken down that door to find me like that I didn’t have the guts to do that because I didn’t want to see my family in pain but at the same time I thought did they even care. I understand depression f’s with your head so much to the point where you think your life doesn’t matter but IT DOES you life does matter because you have made such an impact in people’s lives that you wouldn’t have thought you did. You are loved you are cared for you are important and I wish people that are in my past state can understand that they do matter! I survived and I am living my best life. The fake smile I used to carry around and putting everyone before myself to hear everyone else’s problems and fix theirs while I couldn’t even fix mine is now reversed I have a genuine smile and I am able to talk to people to about myself without feeling like a burden. You are loved and even if I don’t know you I love you! I hope whoever reads this helps them in asking for help!

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