I am 27 and I survived Suicide
Hello everyone my name is Josh. I have decided to make this page because Project Semicolon, and the work they do, is very important to me. Project Semicolon is a fantastic organization dedicated to building better lives for the millions of Americans impacted by suicide, mental illnesses, and addictions . Someone showed me this organization a couple years ago and helped me realize people to care and understand and that there is help and hope. Keep an eye out for those with the Semicolon tattoo, their just like me and you.
As some of my closest friends and family know, I struggle with the battle of mental illness disorders ranging all over the board. I suffer from Bipolar NOS disorder, scitzoaffective scitzophrenia disorder, PTSD, Anxiety disorder, and Depression. Also to top that off I have always used almost every substance you could name to self medicate and stop the torment. I was in a never ending cycle of voices, torture, delusions, drugs, sex, and pain. I had no idea the differences between reality and the unknown. I have lost my children, wife, house, job, cars, friends and family, and most importantly myself. So I went cold, emotionless, and sociopathic. Idolizing The Joker I took on his maniacal thought patterns. I twist every aspect of life to the negative, focused on the evil, thrive for pain. I hurt whoever was in my way and wouldn't think twice, I had lost who I was, unless around my parents, and then I still was loosing grip of who I was completely. I would switch my personalities and thoughts back and forth between Josh, the hard working family man who just wanted to please others, and The Joker, my self twisted evil clown looking out for only himself and to destroy anyone who got in his way. I did it with a wicked gain and no emotions or remorse. In all actuality I was a scared child hiding inside the dark depths of my mind avoiding the reality of my so called tragedy of a life. Not wanting anyone to know the real me and doing all I could to hide it. In doing so I also entertained self mutilation. I just needed to feel some pain, to me the blood was my true identity of shame seeping out forever, tiny bits at a time. Ive managed to hit an artery twice and almost lost my life. Scary but exciting at the time. I cut from the age of 13 to 27. I am a walking scar, but now I wear them with pride because I survived! I loved to fill my body and mind with any drug I could, to help numb myself. I have overcome a 15 year alcoholism addiction, intravenous meth addiction, K2 addiction, and the use of all the ones in between. I spent 2 years in prison for impulsive bad decisions. I have 6 failed attempts of suicide, 3 which required stomach pumps, hospitalizations, or put into induced comas. I have been forced into 3 mental hospitals in my life for various lengths of stay. I just wanted to just end it all so bad! Why God would you not let me be successful and die already! Well he had different plans for me it seems, and I'm just thrilled to see what is all in store, and what I can accomplish. I still suffer with my "demons" and their play day delusions and torment, they are meaner than hell and my soul and mind are their daily meals they love to devour. However, with the help of meditation, my radical faith, and extreme passion to help others, I can possibly make a difference in myself and the one who are lost as well. Of course I have one particular person who showed me love, compassion, and understanding. To show awareness of the real life problems of mental illness and suicide. That person forever has my heart and I will always owe my life to. So now I'm ready to reach out and help who I can. I can make amends with the evil and hurt I've caused so so many people on this tumultuous journey called the suicide/mental/addict lifestyle. I use my love of The Joker to snag the attention of the possibly struggling individuals out there. The crowd that everyone is so afraid of or judmental of, are the ones who are crying out for help or already lost. "The Outcasts" or "The Crazies" as I call them are my friends and family, and me. I make it a point to make friends with the ones I can tell are struggling. I know the lifestyle, the language, and the motions of this everyday battle in that mindset. So I think to myself, why not stick with what I know and put myself on the front lines with a clear mind this time around. In doing, so reach out to the lost and hurt and give them a second chance at life, as well. With simply my compassion, experience, and knowledge, I pray that I can help at least one person. It also helps me and my illnesses.
So please consider helping my cause by donating to me through this page, it is very easy and self explanatory. Your donation will make a difference in the lives of the millions who experience mental illness or suicide situations on any given day. Wouldn't you feel great knowing you saved a life? My facebook is available to be contacted (www.facebook.com/saizon) if you need any help with resources, someone to talk to, or someone to assist you in any way on educating yourself and changing yourself and possibly the world, one mind at a time. Remember It's one day at a time, one person at a time.
Start by telling yourself or a friend who is suffering with any of these issues to say this:
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things that I can't. And the wisdom to know the difference."
It works if you work it, so work it because your worth it! Its not just an AA motto its a life Motto. I send my Love and Compassion out to each individual reading this and not reading it, you have my thoughts, prayers, or positive vibes, your choice. 🙂
Thank You for your support and time.
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